Loneliness

If someone were to ask me how I am feeling right now, the answer would have to be loneliness. For a long time now I've convinced myself that I'm okay with what I'm doing, okay with doing this single mother, full time student thing. And I am. But living in the middle of nowhere makes making friends difficult. Most of the people I know are college students, young college students, that don't have time to hang out with an older girl and her 3 year old. They don't want to drive 25 minutes to my house. I can't go party with them. I do have a friend Emily who lives not too far away. She's got 2 little girls and we get together pretty regularly. Lately though I have been getting the feeling that she doesn't want me around. I could be completely wrong and paranoid, which I tend to be a lot, but it's just this little niggling at the back of my mind. My friend next door is great, but she's OCD and can't leave her house if it's not spotless. Hotel room spotless. She's also a homebody and just doesn't socialize that much. We'll talk on the phone forever, but I have a hard time pinning her down to hang out, even if it's just to send her daughter over to play. It's just frustrating. Frustrating to sit at home for 2 days with nowhere to go. I don't want to drive into town, because what's there to do? I'd just spend money that I don't have, never mind the cost of the gas alone. I'm just at a loss. I love spending time with girlie, as I don't have much time during the week, but still. I don't know.

It probably doesn't help that the moron ex-hubby pulled another one of his infamous stupid ass stunts again. He and the gf decided they hated New Orleans, so they decided to pack up and move to Salt Lake. Just cuz. I can't even put into words how frustrating this is. Who does that? Who has those kind of options? While I'm busting my ass to pull some sort of life together for my baby and me, he gets to just do whatever the fuck he wants, regardless of the consequences it has on the people around him. Forget me, but girlie? This precious, innocent child that loves her daddy so much, and doesn't understand why he is not around. Why she can't give him a goodnight hug and kiss, why she can't show him her newest owie. 98% of me is glad he's not coming back, but that 2% is just blown away and pissed and confused and everything else. He claims he hates it here. Guess what? ME TOO! I hate living in the country, with no friends, no support, trying desperately to keep it together and put on a brave face for my child. She needs that. She needs stability from one person, at least. The kicker is that when ex moved they came through town to get their things, and he wanted to see girlie. This was all arranged through his mom. She called and said that he would take her for a few hours, and bring her back to the daycare. Luckily I was there that day, working downstairs in my classroom. I was waiting to hear what time he'd be there so I could inform her teachers, as I'd previously given them a note saying that if he ever showed up he was not allowed to just come take her. So one of girlies teachers comes tearing into my classroom saying that he was already there, so I run up there. Of course it's a massive fight since he tried to tell me that I didn't have the right to say he couldn't come get her. Um, yeah, I think I do. Anyway, so he sees girlie for 2 hours. 2 hours in 2 months. This is not good for her, because she doesn't understand that. Before she saw him she rarely mentioned him, but now she asks for him a lot and I just don't know what to say. "Your daddy's not here because he's a fuckhead that doesn't care enough to stick around for you?" No, I just tell her he's not here. Why am I stuck with this responsibility? I hope someday she'll see for herself how he is. Not that she should have to deal with that.

Whoring it up

Man, so much is going on, and I'm constantly wanting to update, but I have NO TIME. Get up at 5:15, get ready, get girlie ready (which at 3 takes forfuckingever), drive 30 minutes to town, drop her at daycare, go to work/or school, pick her up around 5, drive 30 minutes home, make dinner, bathe her, get ready for bed, put her down at 7:30, try to do some homework before falling asleep...I'm constantly exhausted. Poor poor pity me.

Remember the guy at my old job named Adam, the one who I had sex with in the lab? He's hot. Really tall and athletic. Remember he had a girlfriend of 3 years? Remember they lived together? Her friend even tried to add me on facebook because I guess she saw some email between Adam and me. Luckily it was pretty innocent. Needless to say, I didn't add her. I just looked at his facebook profile-he's engaged. All the pictures of him proposing, and now they're going to Vegas together. 2 Months after our tryst. That bothers me. A lot. At first I didn't care about the girl, but now I feel really bad for her. I really hope she never finds out, and I hope he never does it again. I don't even know what to think about it.

There's also Mike. My rebound guy. It's been kind of off and on lately. He moved to a place about 40 minutes away, and he's always out of town for his lineman job. Lately I've been feeling that I want more out of the relationship, but it's just not working. Seeing each other once or twice a month is not good. He says he cares, but he's not really making an effort. So my period is late. It was supposed to come last Wednesday. Today's Tuesday? I've taken 2 tests though and they're both negative, which obviously is a relief. But at the same time I'm a little sad. I want a baby. Obviously this is not the right situation. My life is hard enough, I couldn't have a baby as well. I don't want to be with Mike forever. We wouldn't be happy. Who would want a girl who had 2 kids by 2 different guys? But at the same time, still a little disappointed. Well, we were fighting via text message AGAIN. I told him I was late and he asked me if I was lying! That pissed me off so I told him not to worry about it, I'd take care of whatever happened. That was Sunday, and I haven't heard from him since. He tried texting me a lot then but I just ignored him. Still, if I were him I would be just a little more than worried that he might be having a kid. Although I've been proven right about the shittiness of men, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Speaking of, Chuck? And Even? Left New Orleans because they hated it, and are now moving to Salt Lake. He's not coming back. Which is good, but pisses me off. What happened to him? Huge story about last week, but it'll be a story for later.

I have an announcement

I suck at life.

A Week of Deaths

My divorce was finalized finally on Wednesday, after waiting more than a year. Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of my mom's death. The divorce really feels like a death for me, that part of me that was there for so long just got infected and fell off. That same night I sat thinking about how the very same evening 4 years ago hubby and I were sitting in a hospital room, watching my mother take about 6 breaths per minute, just praying that she would die. She needed to be put out of this misery. We'd all been on death watch (my dad, my 3 brothers, their wives, Chuck, family friends) for a few weeks. My wedding was on August 14th, and my mom wasn't able to make it because she was in the hospital and just too sick. We went on our honeymoon, and had to leave about 12 hours into it because she was taking a turn for the worse. At this point she was in the ICU and completely out of it. It's such a vivid memory for me, going up to the 6th floor to the waiting room outside the ICU, where all my family was waiting for me, waiting to prep me for what I was about to see. I knew she was out of it, I knew she was incubated, I knew she looked really horrible, they kept pushing this at me, but you will never be ready for what you see. My family walked me down there, and I remember so well that when I got to the room, which was glass and pretty open, I saw her and started freaking out, crying, and backing up. For some reason, whenever I've ever received really terrible news, I back up, like backing away from the person delivering the info. Anyway, I wanted to turn and run, but everyone pushed me into the room. I didn't pay any attention, but I was told later that the nurses that witnessed it even started to cry. I hope these were the same nurses that came to her funeral. This is besides the point, but I found that just incredible. Nurses deal with so many patients, yet they cared about my mother enough to go to her funeral. Back to mom, she looked ghastly. She probably weighed 80 pounds. She was 5'7". Tubes shoved down her throat, catheter bag hanging down, diaper on, I can't even explain how awful this was.

Okay, I'm in the library and feel like I'm going to start bawling, so I'll finish this later. I need a pick-me-up. I need my daughter.

Aww, it just keeps getting better

**NOTICE** This was written 2 Fridays ago. I seriously have not had a moment to spare to upload it. To top it off, I have even more drama to write about. Hint? I got fucking bitch slapped this weekend, including a puffy lip and swollen cheek.


Hey, it’s Friday night and I feel like having a par-tay!! A pity party, anyway. This past year has been one of the worst years of my life. Almost 1 year to the day that I kicked the asshole out. Where to start, where to start. Let’s start with last Thursday. I was at work, mourning that I only had 1 more day of work left at my job. I LOVED my job. I worked with some great people, and loved being able to help students. Doesn’t deter from this fact that most of the people in my department were male, as it was engineering. That was a definite bonus. So I was sad. I’ve decided to go back to school full time, as the quicker I finish school the quicker I can get a job and move us the hell out of here. Anyhoo, so I’m at work, and the POS calls. Yeah, he’s upgraded from Asshole to Piece of Shit. And I’m being generous. He has to tell me something. That something? He’s moving to New Fucking Orleans with his stupid fucking girlfriend. The one that he “broke up” with when she moved. And the kicker? He’s leaving a week from Friday. The day before this huge rafting trip I’ve been planning for MONTHS to go on. I convinced him to stay until I got back so he could watch her (skipping ahead, he called the NEXT day to tell me he had to leave Friday. Why? He had to get to NO so he could FEED HER FUCKING CATS. He is choosing not only this twat over his daughter, he is choosing her fUCKING CATS OVER HIS DAUGHTER. WHAT THE FUCKING PIECE OF HELL KIND OF STUPID SHIT IS THAT???? WHO DOES THAT? ). The whole thing is weird. He told me (I don’t know WHY I continue to believe ANYTHING he says, as he’s lied for almost all of our married life) that he didn’t love her, it wasn’t serious, and it was over when she moved. But now she’s asking him to go live with her. She’s not even going to school there. The only reason she’s even there is for an “adventure.” She’s always lived in this same town, she’s watched all her sisters go off and do stuff, and she feels likes she needs to do something. So she chose NO. She’s been there for 2 weeks and hates it. Well, go get a job! Go meet some people!! But no, POS has to go to make her happy. He is choosing this girl over his daughter. He’s in such denial that he doesn’t see it this way. He says that they’re coming back in January to go back to school, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I hate him I hate him I hate him. I really want to talk to this girl and tell her the 411, as I’m sure he hasn’t told her, or at least his condensed version of everything. How she’s just a pattern. That his first wife left him for the same reason I did, the alcohol (which I wish someone had warned ME of when I met him), he was severely depressed, and he latched on to me. I fell for it, and tried to take care of him. I’ve always been with guys who need to be taken care of. I’m a sucker. I don’t want that. When we deteriorated because he’s a stupid fuck, what’d he do? He got really depressed and suckered another innocent girl to take care of him. I guarantee this girl thinks she can fix him. She probably thinks he’s fun to party with (like I did), but if she ever decides to settle down and get serious, she’s going to do the exact same and leave his ass. So I want to warn her, but at the same time, she is really really good with girlie. Do I want to scare her away and have fuckhead find another girl who is NOT good to girlie? Anyway, he has an appointment with his lawyer next week to FINALLY get the damn papers signed. He mentioned something about him taking girlie to NO a few times. Over my rotting , wormy, corpse. He is getting NOTHING. As soon as these papers are signed, I’m going to try to change what I can. He will no longer have partial custody. He will have no rights. He’s fucked everything up so much, ie our lives, that he needs to be fucked too. So this leaves me with no babysitter for my trip. I called my dad sobbing, and he said I could take her to his house, as it was on his way. Which was a lot coming from him. Don’t get me wrong, my dad is amazing. More supportive through this whole ordeal more than I ever thought he’d be. He’s been my rock, and his example is where I have learned my determination to get on with my life. BUT, he is so accustomed to his old man ways that he doesn’t like to watch the grandkids that much, or at least for that long of a time. He adores his grandkids, but he’s such a weird old man. He’s so used to being alone since my mom died 4 years ago, he’s just really gotten used to being alone. He doesn’t devour girlie and the other kids like girlie’s other grandparents do. Her grandma and grandpa will do ANYTHING for her. When we were there last time, I slept in everyday, went out all the time by myself, basically didn’t have to do any of the hard work. That was a nice break. But my dad? No. He doesn’t automatically do that. He is also so emotionless. It’s hard to tell what he’s really thinking. My sis-in-law hates it because if she asks him to come over for dinner he’s always like, “I guess.” Never seems excited about it. I just have to remind her that he doesn’t get excited about ANYTHING. ☺ Just real blasé about that kind of thing, and she always get worried that he doesn’t want to go over there, doesn’t want to babysit…I’ve just known him long enough to know that’s not the case, he just doesn’t express his emotions. She should know that by now, she’s married to his son. Anyway, rambling, he’s just not the kind of guy who would jump at the chance of having his 2 year old wild granddaughter to himself for 3 days. Fuckhead’s mom called and said she’d come out and stay so I could go, but first of all, she doesn’t need to fly from Utah so that I can go on a 3 day rafting trip. It’s just not that important. Secondly, she really needs to stop taking responsibility for her dumbass son’s dumbass decisions.

Where does the time go???

How is it August already? Mid-august at that. Why is school starting? I really feel like my life is just FLYING by. I'm not really enjoying this feeling, either. Girlie is almost 3? What the crap? Although in December I will probably think time can't go fast enough.

I only have one more week of work left, before I start school. I'm both excited and nervous about this. I haven't been a full time student in such a long time...plus I keep thinking about all the homework I'll have to do. No more coming home and not having to do anything, not being able to leave it at work for tomorrow. I'm going to miss my job too. I do really enjoy it, but I know I need to do this. I can't work at a desk job the rest of my life. Especially with school starting next week, I'll really miss it. That's always the best time, when everyone's coming back, I get to see the students, a lot of whom I consider friends now.

So on to the hootchy mama part of me. About 1.5 weeks, I was emailing this guy who works in my building. Really tall, athletic, handsome, wears dress pants and shirts to work everyday. Good lookin'. We have always been extremely flirty with each other, emails that I wouldn't really want anyone else to see, etc. Catch is, he has a long-term girlfriend whom he lives with. Our emailing goes in spurts, sometimes a couple times a day, sometimes not for weeks at a time. Somehow we ended up a few weeks ago talking, and talking about sex. Like, us having sex. We had always flirted with the idea, but I never thought it would happen because of his girlfriend. When we first met, I had THE BIGGEST crush on him. Nothing happened though and it just turned into a friendship. My friend Becky had told me at one point that he had cheated on his gf before with one of Becky's friends, so I assumed he wasn't perfect. Anyway...we decided to meet. At work. In a lab in the basement. And we did. And we had sex. On the floor of a lab, which was NOT comfy or sexy. It just hurt. It was over in less than 1o minutes, and that was too long! It wasn't good. I think the idea of it was better than actually doing it. Me, being the bitch that I am, said after, "oh shit, maybe we should of used a condom!" The look on his face? Priceless. Then I said I was kidding, and that I was on the pill.

I don't know if all this was because I really wanted sex (I don't think so), or if I needed to prove something to myself. Prove that I'm not disgusting, as hubby made me feel? Prove that I'm not an old-woman? Prove something to that guy? I don't know. And the guy? Who I once had a major crush on? Yeah, no feelings whatsoever. Let him go home to his girlfriend. I asked my friend who knew about his infidelity exactly what had happened, and it turned out that all it was was he and some girl had been texting for awhile until he felt bad and cut it off. Oh, I thought it had been more than that.

I'm not going into the rest of my whory self right now. Gotta go be a mommy and put girlie to bed.

Leaving on a jet plane

I'm unhooked, almost. No more wires attached to my head and face. No more fanny pack and leash. I'm just waiting for the say so for me to get the hell out of here. Haven't been outside since Monday morning, so I am ready for some fresh air. The tech came this morning to pull the wires off my head, it was great. I have open sores on my forehead from where she yanked the superglue off of my forehead, and I'm sure my hair will look stupendous from where it all broke off from where the glue/tape was. I do plan to spend most of the afternoon washing my hair, and shaving. Ewww, I feel like a hairy beast. I'm scared about trying on my pants after eating 3 meals a day and not moving around at all. 

The scary part about all of this is while I was talking to my doctor this morning about what the next step should be, he said that if the medicine continues to not work, surgery is an option. That scares the bejeezus out of me. Brain surgery? What???!!! That makes me want to cry just thinking about it. The other thing that scares the crap out of me is passing this on to girlie. I got it from my mom, so there is a likelihood that she could have it. Not for sure, it just depends on her gene makeup, but I am crossing every part of my body that I have that she does not get this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

On a good note...I get to see girlie tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, I haven't really missed her, which is odd, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I've been stuck here so it seems like the days haven't really passed at all. The flights are going to be so hard tomorrow because I will be so anxious to get there and see her. Some people dream about running into their spouse's arms after not seeing them, but my dream is to just grab her and not let her go.

They're taking out the IV. Time to go!!!!

The hospital

Day 4 of the hospital stay. Nothing. No seizures, no abnormal brain activity. I'm starting to get really upset about all of this, upset that we may not find anything AGAIN. I don't especially enjoy having seizures but at least here I'd have doctors and experts being able to see where they are and what can be done about them. 

I had all these grand plans about posting everyday, as I'm doing absolutely nothing except lay on my ass and eat. I am attached to a leash and can go only as far as the bathroom. I'm on constant video monitoring, and if I leave my cage too often I'm told to get back to my bed! It's rather creepy to know you're being watched. Do you pick? Do you not? I'm really worried that I won't fit in my pants tomorrow, as I've been eating 3 meals a day, something I never do. I honestly thought I'd get so much done, blog, read, watch movies, figure out my new laptop, etc. All I've done so far is read some. Watched a few movies last night. Overall I feel really down, more than I have in a long time. I imagine a lot of it is not being on my meds which help a lot with moods, but also being confined to a bed, not having fresh air, not showering or washing my hair, and most of all not having girlie. Then there is prospect that is looking more and more likely that I won't have a seizure so I will leave here not knowing anymore than I did coming in.  

I complain a lot

Last night I had my night class. My dad usually drives 1.5 hours to come get girlie and babysit, but he couldn't last night. I had my friend do it, a girl who did a lot with my last night class. She is super nice, and she and her husband are so welcoming and generous, and I'm so glad I met them. They call me up a lot to come over, babysit for free...etc. But...last night I went to drop girlie off, walked in the house, and the 1 year old was sitting on the couch, and the 2 year old was strapped into the high chair. Their mom was no where to be seen. I probably stood around for 5 minutes waiting for the mom (Beth). In the meantime, the 1 year old crawled over to me, while to 2 year old just sat in the high chair. Beth finally comes in from outside from a smoke break, carrying a book. For some reason, this really bothered me. Well, I guess the reason should be pretty obvious. I could never leave girlie alone for that long, at least when she was that little. The 2 year old was in the high chair because she kept peeing in her training pants. What??? She's barely 2. I don't agree with that method of training. You can't get upset with a child when that happens, because that's what happens! I don't know, that just made me a little upset. I would never say anything to her, as she's been such a good friend to me, but I was just surprised. Reminded me of a book that my sister in law bought to try to potty train my nephew. It's all about being mean to the kid! Getting really angry when they have an accident, saying "That's bad! Big boys don't pee in their pants!" What the fuck? Who does that??? Let's talk about a potty complex!

When I kicked Chuck out, I was sure I was done with men for awhile. I was wrong. What's wrong with me that I always have a guy I'm interested in? I'm 28 years old but feel like I'm 16 in that department. Ugh. Anyhoo, there's a guy in my class that I'm totally head over heels for. We sit next to each other and talk almost the entire class, flirt (silly stuff like draw each other goofy pictures and put stickers on each other), and he's actually my age which doesn't happen a whole lot. And he is GORGEOUS. And built. And funny. And smart. It doesn't get much better than that. He always waits for me after class and we walk to our cars together. For the class if we go see the movie Walle and write about it we can get extra credit. I sucked it up last night and asked him if he wanted to go see it with me after class tomorrow. Everyone cross your fingers that he says yes. Am I stupid, or does it seem like he may be interested by all the stupid little things in class? Or am I just getting my hopes up? Wednesday is our final, so after that I won't see him, unless I run into him on campus. I emailed him about movie times, so I hope he gets back to me with a big fat YES.

I'm a sucker for a hug

I gave in. After those emails, I sucked it up and called Kare. I obviously wasn't upset with her (not really) about giving Chuck permission to take Even, but I did issue an ultimatum. He goes and signs the divorce papers this week, or else he is not taking girlie to Utah. I have all the right in the world to say that. So let's see what gets done. I'm going too. I already had tickets, plus I miss it there. Lots of friends to catch up with, especially one who had a baby 3 months ago that I've never met. And the mountains. Oh god I miss those mountains. It's quite a shocker to go from gorgeous mountains in my backyard, to nothing, nada. Flat lands as far as you can see.

Back at work today. Blegh...only one week though until my 2 week sabatical. Is it weird that I'm actually looking forward to being in the hospital? I loved being there when I had girlie, but that may have been that I had help with her while I was scared to death! Plus, all the special attention was quite nice. Going to stock up on my books (I have a huge pile next to my bed waiting to be read), books on cd, etc. I'm just afraid going off the meds cold turkey is going to suck ass. So it may not be suck a great week. And no candy. I already quit the caffeine about a month ago. Worst 3 days of my life. The flip side is I can actually sleep! I used to have to take 2 xan.ax and a tylenol pm to sleep. Not anymore! I'm leaving all that coffee, red bull and diet coke behind. I'm going to try to not get back on it when I'm done with the hospital. I have to remind myself of all the money I'll save!

Guess I should get some work done.

Finally a break

I think I've finally got everything under control, to the point where I can breathe. At least enough to blogging, even part time. It's been so long, I really don't want to go into detail of the past few months. I'm still not divorced. AH (I'm going to start calling him Chuck so I don't get confused) has a lawyer that sucks ass. Never gets back to my brother, even after a freakin' month of harrassment. Seriously am not exaggerating on that. It's so...annoying? Pathetic? Bullshit?



So the latest drama. I have to go to the hospital the week of the 21st. I have a form of epilepsy (thanks mom!!) that starts after pregnancy. I've had it about 2 years now, and let me tell, it is awful. The seizures. It's not the kind where I shake and pass out, but it's just a miserable awful feeling. It's almost impossible to describe. It's called partial.temporal.seizure.disorder, if anyone is interested. The doctor is associated with another doctor that is opening a clinic in the hospital, and they want me to be one of the first patients to go. I'm not really sure what it will entail, but lots of cat scans, mris, etc. I also have to have someone stay with me 24 hours a day. That was easy to arrange. For this time, girlie's grandma (chucks mom) was going to come out and get girlie, then take her back to Utah with her. After my hospital stay I would fly out, spend some time there and bring girlie home. Then Chuck decided he wanted to go with girlie as well, which was fine with me. I bought my tickets last Thursday, and that same evening Chuck informed me that he was planning on taking his girlfriend Even. And he thought that this would be okay with me. Those two taking my daughter. Supposedly Even is moving the 28th and they want to spend the last week together. I FLIPPED out. I was hysterical. It's a hard feeling to describe, but if anyone has been so completely betrayed by someone that they truly loved and have loved for a long time, the father of their child, it is a horrible devastating pain. The part about this that hurt the most is the part where Chuck's parents said it was okay for him to bring this girl. His mom Kare has been a mom to me, especially with the loss of my mom. I love her like a mother, and she refers to me as her daughter. I'm so grateful for this relationship, because otherwise I don't think I could have gotten through these past couple of years without her. I called Chuck's sister Jan, whom I am close to and asked if she had known anything about it, and she hadn't. She became furious and called her mom and asked her what the hell she was doing. Kare became really upset because she knew it wasn't a good thing, but they just want Chuck out there so badly that they said okay. This was Thursday and I haven't spoken to her since, although she has called and emailed many times. I just can't do it, I cannot talk to her or anyone else, I'm just so hurt and devastated. This probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, why it's such a big deal, but it is such a kick to the gut, to have the love of your life screw up so badly, not try to fix it, accept being kicked out, and immediately find another girl. And then having her in my daughter's life, and wanting to take her to meet his family in Utah. Which is ironic, because no one wants to meet her. Anyway, I told Kare (via email) that as long as Even was going, I was not. I would just take the tickets and use then another time. Kare has sent me some emails that I want to put here. They help give me some insight, and they show that Kare is a loving and caring person, but I still can't talk to her right now. She sent me these emails, which in itself is a miracle because Kare has never touched a computer in her life.

Jan let me know how upset and hurt you are. I'm so sorry if I ever contribute to your pain! I want to be a loving resource to everyone I love and sometimes it seems like I end up making everyone upset. Obviously the same things don't please each person.Most importantly, I love you!!! I will always love you no matter what. You are my daughter and nothing will change that. It's like when a mother has a new baby. Her love just multiplies and she doesn't love her other children any less. I just added you to my children. I love you for who you are and because you're girlie's beautiful, sweet mother. We are irrevocably connected and I am so glad! I consider you one of my blessings and pray for you every day. I am so sorry that Chuck's choices and actions [especially his alcoholism] have impacted your life so negatively. It breaks my heart that he still is in denial about it. I want with all my heart to associate with you and help you in any way that I can. I really want to be there for you so you can call on me whenever you want or need to. Of course I love Chuck. My love for my children is unconditional. I do not agree with a lot of his choices obviously but I just can't give up on him. I have no idea how long it will take for him to wake up. Meanwhile I feel like he needs my love, association, and hopefully a good example. Maybe someday these things will help to promote the changes he needs to make. So far he has been a kind and loving Daddy when he has Girlie. She is the one thing in his life that he truly loves. He does call and ask for advice about her care when he has questions and miraculously has pretty good common sense about her care.About Even—I know Chucks' relationship with her has hurt and upset you. I'm sorry he seemed to "move on" so quickly. I think He was depressed and lonely and she was convenient. I really don't know her well. I haven't spent much time with her. She isn't interested in being a "mother figure" to Girlie. Chuck is always her caregiver when he has girlie. Evan is just an occasional playmate. She is very kind to her. The family has no particular interest in her. They just want Chuck to be around his family [especially since no one drinks!] We had said he could bring Even because He was hesitant to come when she was moving so soon. No one was especially thrilled about it. [Actually Jan is definitely "taking sides" with you and is livid!] I have no special feelings for her. I honestly don't think anything will ever come of the relationship because she is moving and Chuck doesn't want a long-distance relationship. Please call and let me know what I can do to reassure or help you. I wish I knew what to do that wouldn't make someone upset. I really do want to be there for you. Please forgive me for any hurt I've caused you. I would never hurt you on purpose.Never forget I love you! I can't wait to see you!

Next email, since I didn't know how to reply:

Dear -
This letter is probably a lot more to me than to you. I just needed to organize my thoughts, experiences, decisions, etc. on paper to clear my mind and get personal perspective. Maybe this could help to reassure you or to understand how things have evolved. You'll probably need to read this more than once, especially the last part. I realize that what I wrote yesterday didn't help or make you feel any better. I'm sorry it didn't help, but I mostly wanted to reassure you of my love for you. Jan said you hesitate to talk to me because you're not sure you could explain how you are feeling. Also, I know you're hurt. I can certainly understand and empathize with the difficulty of explaining personal feelings. They are usually complicated and tender. Our feelings are an amalgum of our upbringing, personality, experiences, and choices, chemistry, philosophies, opinions baggage, and on and on. I certainly don't always even understand my own feelings. Just because I want to organize and think through how everything has evolved doesn't mean any final decisions have been made. It's just an effort to understand better. I hope you would feel free again to share feelings, thoughts, concerns, and fears to me. I really do care how you feel and want more than anything to understand. I honestly do have a basic desire to help everyone I love be happy and o.k. Unfortunately, that's a fantasy. Sometimes as a mother, wife, grandmother, etc., I really feel like I'm performing a circus act and juggling knives, clubs, bottles, wild animals--[you get the idea]. I have a list of people [knives, clubs, wild animals] whom I dearly love and want to care for. I feel a strong responsibility for them and actually feel like care-giving is my calling or role in life. I truly feel like it's a privilege and blessing to have associations with my family and so many people to love. [It's important to me for you to understand that I'm not complaining. I love my life]. CHUCK; There isn't enough paper. He is a constant worry and heart ache [head ache?!] for me. You probably know better than anyone. Of course the number one underlying issue is his alcoholism. It colors everything and contributes to every issue he has. He struggles with motivation, depression, loneliness, alienation from loved ones, regret, low self esteem, hurt, etc. I'm pretty sure the only thing he knows for sure is how much he loves and adores Girlie. He told his sister in January that he basically felt worthless and didn't expect anyone to give him the benefit of the doubt, I'm sure that's one of the reasons the idea of Even was so appealing to him. He worries about divided loyalties [the idea that if I love you, I don't or can't love him]. I have a profound belief in "redemption". I know people can overcome extreme difficulties and change their lives for the better. I've seen it happen. I believe in repentance and I refuse to give up on him and know that really all I can do for him is give him love and acceptance [without accepting bad behaviors.] I feel to the very core of my soul that it would be wrong to give up on him. Unfortunately, this seems to be a long-term process. YOU; [Do you want to fill this part out?] First, just let me remind you that you are my daughter. You are as fully in my heart as anyone on this list. You are not in a different or special category, You are hurt, feel betrayed, scared, alone, overwhelmed by responsibility and just by the idea of "how could this have happened to me!" You are struggling with difficult health concerns--your seizure disorder and eating issues. It must seem like you're carrying the world on your shoulders with school, work, childcare arrangements, maintenance and care of your home and car, financial worries, and last and most importantly--Girlie. I think "issues" left over from the difficult relationship with your Mother make it hard to know how to feel in certain situations. I can certainly understand why you would be sensitive to any hint of rejection. I'm concerned about all these issues for you and have tried to help in anyway I could and want to continue on. I'd love to be a "mother" for you. I want to be a "sounding board", a source of reassurance, encouragement, occasional advise [although my mother adamantly told me not to give her advice!], and most fun of all-- a babysitter. GIRLIE; She is a huge priority for me. I would do anything that was right to advocate for her because it breaks my heart to see her little family fall apart. [I definatly think you're a wonderful, caring, and dedicated mother.] While I'm deeply concerned about her welfare; she is my joy! Now aboout the upcoming few weeks: This is the genesis of how the plans evolved and the reasons for it as well as I can remember. Last winter/spring Calvin (Chuck's dad) expressed a desire to have all his family come to a retirement activity/celebration. [Basically this whole thing started out in honor of Calvin and to fulfill his wishes]. Right away there was sadness for him because we couldn't have you and Chuck at the same time; so we always planned to have him at one time and you come to see us all a little later hoping that would be the best compromise possible. We finally decided to get a condo after the short course and have the family stay. When I invited Chuck, he didn't want to come to that because of the personal alienation and judgment he feels [refer to CHUCK section] and he didn't know if he could handle all the family together in one place. Calvin was really disappointed. Then when you needed a baby sitter because of the hospital stay, we wondered if you would let me bring Girlie to Utah so the family could see her. [I can't even describe how excited Calvin gets at the thoughts of Girlie coming. Nothing else makes him as happy.] We had always assumed you could probably come to get her and then we could have the little visit with you. When I mentioned that you had given permission to bring Girlie, Chuck rethought his decision to come and decided he wanted to [especially since it would be after the "close-contact condo" experience]. Calvin was really pleased that this meant he could see all his family [including you] in a fairly short time period. When Chuck realized it was the same time as Even's last week before she moved he started to have mixed feelings and that's when he decided bringing her would be the perfect solution [obviously only for him!] When he asked me if he could, I was instantly uncomfortable because I knew it would cause upset and hurt feelings. I wasn't personally worried about her one way or the other; but knew how much having Chuck and Girlie here meant to Calvin because he truly does feel uncertain about his "longevity". I asked Calvin if it would be o.k. with him. He said yes because of how much he wanted Chuck and Girlie here even though he felt concern about it too. I told Chuck that he had to tell you and have your permission. He thought it was silly for me to spend money to fly out to get Girlie when it was just a matter of a few hours and there would be 2 adults to watch out for her. I always told him that no matter what, I was willing to come. [He obviously did a bang up job of asking!] I'm completely torn because the primary motive was for Calvin to have all his family here for his retirement and because we really don't know how many more opportunities there will be. On the one hand it looks like if Chuck brings Evan, you don't want Paisley* to come [*the "cherry on the top" as far as Calvin is concerned]. If you don't let girlie come, either Chuck wouldn't come or he'd take it to court. [I hate that!] If Chuck came and girlie was here with me too; and you were still willing to come after the hospital ,Calvin would get to see his whole family [with a measure of awkwardness. Jan and Erik probably wouldn't participate in that part.] On the down side you would feel hurt, betrayed, and disrespected [which isn't o.k. with me]. On the other hand, if you didn't let Girlie come; Chuck, girlie and you would be missing for Calvin's festivities because this whole complicated arrangement is really about Calvin. Then Chuck would feel betrayed ....and on and on and bla, bla, bla, on the other, other, different hand. I'm really having a difficult time seeing a happy solution for everyone but I haven't given up. I guess I'm just letting everyone think [especially me], search their hearts, and cool down. Hopefully we'll talk soon. I love you,

To get one thing straight, I NEVER said Girlie couldn't go to Utah. That was the plan all along. I just did not want Even going. I basically told Kare that if Even went, I just would not. Very simple. Email today, which of course just sends me bawling.

Thank you for responding to my long e-mail. The first clarification I need is, am I understanding correctly that Girlie can come no matter what is decided about anything else? But if Even comes then you don't want to come? I'm just making sure I understood you.

It's hard to explain how my heart aches for you. I realize that I can't possibly understand how heart-broken, hurt, and angry you must be. I have listened and talked to you enough during this last year; have lived long enough and had enough experience to have a small idea. One thing I know for sure is that you are truly in pain. I think that one of the dynamics for anyone mourning the loss of a relationship, especially a husband and father of your child, is that a person starts to question what was real and true about that relationship and if everything in their life that they believed in was a lie or an illusion.

I don't want to bring up such a sensitive subject and hurt you any more, but I think it's really important to correct a misperception you have. It's completely understandable why you would think the way you do. I probably would too in your place. Please understand that I am not defending Chuck. I can't defend his behaviors and choices! As you know, I have have an ongoing sadness, worry and concern about his life and well being. When Chuck moved on to a new relationship so quickly, that choice was terribly hurtful to you and I know that it made you question if he had ever loved you. Certainly in my opinion, that decision was a very inappropriate and unwise idea. To me it was just another example of how Chuck numbs himself instead of facing his problems. His own explanation is that she was part of a group of friends and liked him, but he didn't start any exclusive relationship until there was no hope for the marriage [at least in his mind]. This was sometime in the new year. [Don't forget that I don't agree with him!] He didn't keep her secret from us "because he didn't think it was honest", although you thought it was very disrespectful to us. The reason for the relationship by his own admission is his own neediness. He was lonely, depressed, and afraid [duh!] and as we all know didn't want to face or think about his problems. She was a diversion and listening ear. He himself characterizes the relationship as a friendship. He says he cares about her but isn't in love with her. He actually expects the relationship to be over when she moves because he "doesn't do long distant relationships". Now for the important reason I've told you all this stuff [I'm pretty sure you didn't want to hear]. Chuck told me again just last night that "of course he had loved you!" He loved you more than he has ever loved anyone. He said he clung to the relationship even when he was hurt, confused, upset, and didn't know what to do. [Unfortunately what he usually chose to do was hide, avoid, and numb.] In spite of his huge lack of coping skills, he always wanted to hang on to and preserve the relationship. He was completely committed to you [in his own horrible, stupid, way]. He definitely still worries about you. During the recent tornado, his first concern was to let you know that Girlie was alright. His next concern was to find out if you were alright. He called me really worried about you because he couldn't get ahold of you. HE DEFINITELY DOES NOT CARE FOR EVEN MORE THAT HE CARED FOR YOU!!! That's the bottom line and the reason for all this rambling on. I need you to have this clarification and hopefully tiny measure of comfort. I am not making any of this up. He, himself has told me these things many times.

I'm completely at a loss in how to comfort and help you. I am of course praying for you and you're on my mind all the time. If begging would help, I'd like to beg you to come to Utah no matter what. You're the one everyone really wants to see. Also you have friends here and I have a gift certificate for a luxurious massage and facial at the spa in the exclusive Zermatt in Midway! Chuck really can't come later because it's important to us that he be here when Dave(brother) is. Dave is a good loving, influence on Chuck. I think too that it's a good idea for you to be around us during the second seizure observation week.

I didn't ever get your airline information. Maybe you could pass it on.

No matter what happens, I LOVE YOU!!!! Please let me be there for you.

Ugh. I don't know what to do. I know she means all of this, but I still am so hurt by Even going. I don't even know if she is or not. I could still go as planned but go stay with Jan and Erik, about 1 hour from where Kare lives. I don't know if anyone reads this stoopid blog or not, but if you do, please give me some insight? I'm just really hurt and confused...and lonely right now.

For Sale

For Sale: 1 ex-husband

Condition: Used

Asking Price: I'll give him for free, as well as a carton of cigs.

Bonus: Comes with his own beer! No need to feed or water him!

Prices can't be beat!!

Last night

Ahhh, the pleasures of not having girlie around (I try to look at the positive rather than dwell on the fact that my heart literally aches to not have her here), I got up 30 minutes ago. At 11:45. Meaning I slept for 12 hours. Sooooo nice. Now I have 2 days ahead of me to do WHATEVER I WANT. No Dumbo, no Cinderella. Pizza and candy for lunch. Naps. Showers.

Okay, so last night. This guy I asked, Joel. Nice guy, I sit next to him in a teaching class and we chat during it a bit. That means I usually only see his side profile. A few details, he's 30, he was an medic in the army for 6 years, messed up his foot and got out. He lives in the dorms. Yes, you're reading this right. He's 30 and he's living in the dorms. He borrowed his roommate's car to come here tonight. I pull up to the restaurant IHOP, classy all the way, I love that place, and he was waiting outside. I was already dreading this, but was trying to suck it up. I almost didn't recognize him when I got to him, as his hair was SLICKED BACK WITH GEL. Like the guys out of Grease. Also, he had tried to bleach it himself a few weeks back, but ended up with orange spots. Seriously, there are SPOTS. Why the hell is not redying it? He looks like a fucking leopard. So anyway, we sit down and I'm across from him and I've never really seen him face on, and I was a little surprised. This guy is not attractive. At all. And I know I know, it wasn't supposed to be a date, but it was just weird. And it was just uncomfortable. Awkward. I try to ask him some questions, and he started talking about how he was a medic in the army. That's very honorable, so I asked him about some of his experiences and he told me a story about having to deliver a baby. It was some lady in the field teaching others how to shoot, and her water broke. He proceeded to tell me how he knew what to do, got some shoelaces and sterilized scissors and took care of it. I asked how long it took from the time her water broke until that baby was born. 30 minutes. Ummm, I know that's possible, but fairly rare. I asked him if he cut the placenta and told me how he debated about it but did it and kind of explained about how he knew to cut 6 inches from the placenta. He didn't even know what the word for placenta was. In my mind I'm thinking, this guy is full of shit. He is totally making this up. I pretended to him that it was a cool story, but I still think it's a crock of shit. Too much like a movie. I could be wrong but...I doubt it. My gut instinct is usually right. He starts to tell me about how surprised he was that I added him to Facebook, and that I asked him to go with me. I didn't mention that he was my last resort. I asked him about how his profile and how it was all about him looking for a relationship (in a really desperate way). I told him straight up that I had ONLY asked him as a friend. I was going through a really bad divorce and the last thing I need is a relationship. Don't have the time nor energy to waste in that right now. Honestly, his face fell a little and I felt really bad. He told me that he didn't think I'd be interested in him but he was kind of hoping, but he understood. At this point I feel really badly. Poor guy.

On to the theater. We really aren't making small talk, get our seats and wait. At this point I've been trying to call AH so that I can tell girlie good night. He doesn't answer which started to piss me off because he HAS to let me talk to her. It's in the legal contract. While we waited for the show I try calling about 4 times. No answer. I'm getting pissed. Show starts and it's really good. It's called Gypsy. I'd never heard of it before but it looked really cool. During intermission I try calling AH again. Still no answer. I call my mom in law and aske her if she's talked to him. She hasn't, but then she tries to tell me how sometimes he turns off his phone or charging it. You do not have to turn your phone off to charge it! There are very few times that a cell phone needs to be off! Excuses! Then I ask her if she's talked to AH about me seeing Karen and her husband for breakfast Sunday. She hasn't. Then she asks what I'm doing for lunch Monday, and SHE could meet me then. Not THEY. I have 1 hour for lunch, including the time it takes me to get to and from work. I already have a tutoring apointment set up for that time for my stats class as I have a test on Wednesday. I'm now really upset that I won't get to see my FIL as well, as he doesn't seem to even want to see me. I start getting really abrupt with Karen, and I told her not to worry about, go have her weekend with girlie. So she says, oh, we'll work something out. I was so upset I just said, no, just go have your weekend with them. I was not being very nice at this point. I almost just wanted to hang up on her, and I told her I had to go, and she said "I love you" as she always had, and I just said bye and hung up. And started crying. Went back to the theater and tried to hide it (luckily I was in the back row in the first seat by the door). Joel kept trying to talk to me and finally realized that I was upset and of course I started full on crying. I told him what happened and he was really sympathetic. That helped me stop crying and then watch the end of the show. By that point I felt really bad about being bitchy to him and started apologizing. He was really cool about it and said I could always talk to him if I needed. So I get in my car and leave. I'm such a bitch, I felt really bad.

2 weeks ago I was going to a movie and dinner with an old friend. He's actually my "rebound" guy, started seeing him right after AH moved out. Nice guy and all, but totally not my type. He's a country boy, likes stuffed animals (not toys, real animals that he's killed) in his house. Has poor grammar, which drives me, the English major, bonkers, ( I know the way I type doesn't prove this, but I'm trying to write this the way I'd actually say it). He has to ask me what some of the words I say mean. He is so incredibly nice though and tries so hard to make me happy, but it's just not right. We honestly have nothing to talk about. So I ended it back in November, but we still talk and are "friends with benefits." C'mon, everyone has needs, right? So back to 2 weeks ago, we went to dinner and then we're going to the movies and I start crying. I think he said something like I seemed quiet or not talking, which pissed me off because I had been trying to make conversation during dinner and he hadn't helped. So I start crying and don't really want to go to a movie. He takes me home and I go in and go to bed. I'm just pathetic.

So that's my story in a nutshell. I know it probably doesn't sound like much to anyone else, but it was just such a shitty night for me. Wah wah wah. Poor me.

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god tonight was HOR.RI.BLE. Wow. This is why I don't go out. I'm going to bed and maybe if I ever get up I'll write it down here. Ok, maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, no one was hurt or anything, but it still sucked to me. Peace out.

Mistake

So I sucked it up and asked one of the guys to go with me. Through Facebook. I love that thing. I also asked if wanted to grab dinner since I'd have time to kill between work and the play and live too far away to go home. Then I noticed on his Facebook that his status said he was suddenly in a really good mood. Oops. And he's looking for a relationship. Another oops. So I conveniently brought up the fact that I'm GOING THROUGH A BAD DIVORCE. I've always had guy friends whom I would just hang out with and not ever worry about it becoming anything more. Less drama than girlfriends.

Up and down

The day started out well. I slept in since I didn't have Paisley, til 5:45, whoohoo! Except that my cat started meowing really loudly outside my door at about 5:40. Urgh. Can't wait until my basement is finished and I can lock the little shitheads in the storage room. I love them and all, but sometimes they're crazy. Anyway, I got an email first thing from my sister-in-law, Charles' brother's wife, telling me that they're pregnant. This is extremely exciting as they've been trying to get pregnant for 5+ years. They paid $20,000 for in-vitro, and it hasn't worked, until now. They just told me last week that they're adopting a baby girl to be born in May, and my first thought was, they're going to get pregnant. I'm so smart. And it's very possible that they'll have twins. I really am excited for them, and not jealous. They so deserve it, as they wanted children Sooooo badly. So they may end up with 3 babies, but they'll love it. I know it was really hard on my sis-in-law when I got pregnant, as they'd been trying for a long time to no avail.

So I called my mom-in-law to talk about the good news, but she hadn't heard yet. Oops. I'm assuming they're planning some big news breaking thing, and I spoiled it. Oh well, their fault for sending out an email before telling her, right? By the way, my mominlaw (Karen) is one of the people I'm closest to. She's absolutely amazing, and very supportive of me. She was here around Easter and stayed 2 weeks. She stayed mainly at my house, and took care of girlie. It was just so nice to have someone around, to come home to someone, she cooked and we just talked. The downside of that is I have such a hard time when she leaves. I guess she left 2 weeks ago, and there was a possibility that she may come back this weekend (she lives in UT, I live in KS) because her hubby was going to talk at one of the local universities. I hadn't heard so I asked her, and she said yes, hesitantly. That surprised me that she hadn't told me, but she said it was because I told her that if she came I didn't want to know. I don't think she told me because it's AH's weekend with girlie, and as it's such a short trip she didn't think there would really be time to see me. That really upsets me, that she wouldn't try to see me though. I asked her if we could maybe meet for breakfast sat morning, it would only be like an hour or two. She said she'd love to, but didn't know if her hubby would come. I haven't seen him since June, so that made me upset as well. I know he hasn't seen girlie since then either, and wants to spend as much time with her as possible, so I asked if they could just bring girlie with them for an hour or so. Karen's going to talk to AH about it. So I go from being in a really good mood to trying not to cry.

I need some advice. There's a musical tomorrow night at our school's theater which looks really good, but I have no one to go with. There are two guys who have acted interested in me, but I'm not interested in either. Could I still ask one of them to go with me without giving them the impression that I'm interested in them? I'm contemplating going alone, but I hate doing stuff like that alone.

I am so lonely. I've never felt like this before. I work with kids lots younger (usually 9-4 years younger) and live out in the middle of nowhere, so don't have too many friends there. Plus I'm so busy it's hard to make friends or have time to maintain friendships. I don't even know how to explain this kind of loneliness. It's just an overwhelming feeling of having NO ONE to turn to.

I called girlie last night, since she was at AH's, and I always call and say goodnight. Does AH ever call. NO. Of course not. Anyway, so she jabbered for awhile, then started crying and yelling mommy over and over. She NEVER cries or asks for her dad. No surprise there. I listened to her cry for at least 2 minutes until she finally hung up the phone. She was crying and calling for me the entire time. It breaks my heart, and I know it is so incredibly hard for her, as she doesn't understand all this, but at the same time, I'm glad that AH can see that she loves me more. :)

The one thing about my fucked up life that I feel I can control is my weight. I've lost a ton of weight (85 pounds since the day I went into labor). Yet anytime I go up a pound or two, I restrict my diet to get back down. I'm 5'7" and I weigh 120 pounds. I know that's really borderline underweight, but it's one thing I can control and feel proud of, as pathetic as that is.

Stoopididdy (s.diddy for short)

My throat still feels like someone has taken a rake to it. Besides that I'm tired, but no other symptoms. 3 days now...c'mon! Either I get really sick and get to stay home, or I get better and don't sit at work like a zombie.

My brother lawyer emailed me today, as he will help me out at court. He doesn't do any type of divorce law, but as I can't afford a lawyer he's going to come help me out. What a nice bro. He doesn't really think I'll really get what I ask for. I knew that the driving restriction wouldn't fly, but hopefully the judge we take his alcohol usage into consideration. Did I mention that I want to hire a PI? I would love to catch AH with Daughter (girlie) at a bar with a beer (not really) so that he'll break the rules and get in trouble. What I REALLY wish is that he'd get caught DD again and go to jail. For a long time.

When I was visiting my family this weekend, I got to see my bro and his wife that live in NM. They have a little boy who just turned 1, and just told me that they are expecting again. I'm really happy for them, but at the same time really sad. AH and I had planned on trying for another baby back in January, so that girlie and this baby would be 3 years apart. Obviously, not going to happen, and for the better, I know. It's still hard. What if I don't have another baby? Even saying that is so selfish I know, because so many women can't even have babies, and I already have one gorgeous daughter. But I still want another baby, badly. Before I got pregnant, I had always wanted a baby, but didn't realize just how amazing being a mother is. So now the baby hunger is so much stronger because I know so much more about it. I want to be pregnant. I want to know that I am growing this real person. I have quite a few friends that are about to pop, and I'm so happy for them, yet jealous at the same time. I would never tell any of them this, just some thoughts for myself. I decided that if I don't meet anyone by the time I'm 35 (8 years), I will go to a sperm bank. Or if that's too pricey, a random donor.

I've turned into a stoopid person. I can't remember things for the life of me. Little things at work that I'll completely forget, even when I go to do something, I'll get to the next room and have forgotten what I was doing. I know everyone does that, but not as often as I do. It worries me. I can't spell anymore either, and that used to be my strong point, English major and all. I am actually worried about all of this, I'm only 27. What will happen when I'm 60?

Feeling like crud

Man, I feel like crap today. Sore throat and exhausted. This will be the SIXTH time in SIX months that P and I have gotten sick. I'm not really sure if she's sick or not. We went to visit my dad this weekend, and the entire drive home (2 hours) she had huge gobs of snot falling out of her nose. Yesterday she was in an awful mood, but I figured she wasn't feeling well. Screamed and screamed when I dropped her off at the sitter, but seemed fine last night and this morning, yet she screamed and cried this morning as well. This is all new, as she's always been fine when I left, but this has started the last few weeks. I'm really concerned that it's because she's carted everywhere, between me, her dad, having grandma visit for a few weeks, going out of town to see my family. I'm hoping that she'll get back to normal soon.



I have court in one week. I'm not sure if this is actually the actual divorce or just a pre-trial, but I really hope that it'll be the end. I'm so tired of this. Then I can say I'm a free woman! Although I have no interest in dating, also because I've got some pretty high standards for myself now. I don't want to date just to date, I am only going to date if I feel it's something that would actually work out. So far I haven't met anyone like that, just guys that want to play around. I remember when I got married I thought that I was so happy that I wouldn't ever have to date again. Seeing as I never thought I'd get divorced.



I'm too tired to even bitch about stuff. Let me think about it.

Going to hell in a handbasket

I've done this blog thing before. I have a family blog about my 2 year old daughter, but am so lacking on posts there. Time deficient is what I am. I need a place to write, a place to vent. I'm tired of keeping it all bottled up inside, because that's when I'll explode and do something I really regret.

I should have known better. I knew the warning signs. I met my soon to be ex-husband in January 2001. We both worked at Target, he had long hair, and honestly, I wasn't even attracted to him. One night he and another guy invited me back to his place. Let's call him the asshole, or AH for short. The other guy, Jason, drove him home which I thought nothing of at the time, but it turned out he couldn't drive, as he had 2 DUI's. Right there is where I want to kick myself in the ass. Warning sign anyone? Anyway, we hooked up that night (just kissing, as I was still "pure"), and I vividly remember him coming towards me and his lips were huge and puffy and a turnoff. Why I still kissed him? Who the hell knows. His apartment was really weird, halloween stuff everywhere, shitty furniture, dark. I assumed it was just a typical bachelor pad. He had also been divorced before. He said they grew apart. Next week, we didn't talk and I wasn't that interested. Super bowl was that Sunday and he and Jason called and basically begged me to come over. So I went. And AH and I were a couple. This is where I kick myself. All he did was drink and smoke and not drive and sit in his dark and nasty apartment, except for the times his mom came over and drove him to and from work. He was 25. But, we got along really really well. We could talk forever, laugh forever, and that's something you don't find in everyone. But still. He was the first person I slept with. It was not great. I was scared and he didn't really seem to care.

Fast forward to August of 2001. AH had to serve 11 days in jail for his DUI's. This really bothered me, and I was having huge doubts about our relationship. While he was in jail, I went to a party and met this cute guy named Jared. We ended up hooking up in the back seat of his car. No sex, just making out, but he ended up leaving hickies all over my neck. The next day I was going to see AH in jail and was scrambling to find a turtle neckAH later. I did see that guy some more afterwards, going to his house and fooling around. Maybe TMI, but he is the only guy ever who's given me an orgasm with his finger. That's not sex, right?

So AH gets out of jail, he knows I cheated, and somewhere in my mind it's a relief, we can break up. Instead, he begs me to stay with him. For some dumbass reason I did. Let me kick myself again. Harder.

Fast forward to the next year. By this time I had met (and fallen in love with) his family. It was just so natural. I had convinced him to cut his hair and get rid of some really ugly clothes. I graduated from BYU (I'll get into the Mormon crap later) and was moving to Poland to teach English for a year. Right after I graduated, he proposed. It was in front of his entire family, and I said yes. I really think I did want to marry him. He had stopped drinking and smoking (for the most part) and our relationship was doing well. I had moved in and we'd totally made over the apartment. We got engaged in June, and I left for Poland in August.

Poland was amazing. Oh wait, I forgot the part about me going to Hungary for a month to teach English. And met many cute European boys. And kissed many cute boys. So back to Poland, it was really hard at first, I was pretty homesick. After about 3 months, I met this gorgeous guy name Darek. Oh he was beautiful. And we became a couple. I was so in love with him. I'd go to his apartment all the time, his mom cooked me dinner every night. He lived with his mom, which is completely normal there. He even asked me casually to marry him, written on a piece of paper on a train to Krakow. As with any relationship, it had it's ups and downs. He was very dedicated to his job, and needed to learn English to get a better position. He was always studying, or sleeping. AH knew I had this friend, but I convinced him that Darek was just a friend, although I'm pretty sure he didn't believe me. After a few months, AH decided he wanted to come live with me in Poland. His parents offered to pay for it. I said no way. This was my thing, he didn't need to come ruin it. Plus, I had Darek. When it was time for me to leave Poland, Darek and I weren't in a great place, but he was going to try to get a visa to come to the States, but it was denied. I wasn't too upset about it. One day our cat came out carrying a little piece of paper in her mouth. It was the little note that Darek wrote to me about marrying him. That should have been a sign if there ever was one! Now I'm slapping myself on the face. AH flipped out and kicked me out. I was fine with that. As I was walking out the door, he changed his mind and begged me to stay. Seeing as I really had no where to go, I stayed. What was I thinking??? So we tried and made things better, and planned a wedding for the next August (2004). I'm not sure, but something in my mind wasn't completely excited, but I thought that that was normal, that no relationship is perfect. This is where we get back to the alcohol. I had been trying and trying to get him to stop drinking, and asked him not to drink at our reception. The first thing he does? Goes and gets a huge beer. By 2am he's wasted, and needless to say we did not have sex.

For about 6 months things are okay. We had a weekly poker night where he got wasted, but besides that he didn't drink. I got pregnant in January, which was planned, then we decided to move to KS so that he could go to school and eventually get into the vet program. Our town has an entire street devoted to bars, and AH loved that. Loved it so much that he drank everyday. To the point where he wouldn't come home at night, or came home at 3 in the morning. He very rarely saw our daughter, and when he did, all he did was lay on the couch. And I put up with it because he promised to change. Then he got another DUI. The KS system didn't find his 2 priors, and so he was only charged with first offense. This is where I wish I had a time machine. I would go back to that point and inform the police about his priors, send him to jail, and get the hell out of Dodge.

Instead, I waited. Way too long. I finally kicked him out last August after finding him drunk in a bar way too often. Best move I've every made. Our divorce will hopefully be final on April 15th, but the part that sucks about it is that he is fighting for partial custody. This is the man that didn't see his daughter for 6 months more or less, went a whole month in December without seeing her. Never called to see how she was or talk to her. We had a huge ice storm that knocked out power for 4 days, he never called to make sure she was okay.

Those are the main points. I need to get back to work, plus I can only think of these topics for so long before I want to throw up.