Finally a break

I think I've finally got everything under control, to the point where I can breathe. At least enough to blogging, even part time. It's been so long, I really don't want to go into detail of the past few months. I'm still not divorced. AH (I'm going to start calling him Chuck so I don't get confused) has a lawyer that sucks ass. Never gets back to my brother, even after a freakin' month of harrassment. Seriously am not exaggerating on that. It's so...annoying? Pathetic? Bullshit?



So the latest drama. I have to go to the hospital the week of the 21st. I have a form of epilepsy (thanks mom!!) that starts after pregnancy. I've had it about 2 years now, and let me tell, it is awful. The seizures. It's not the kind where I shake and pass out, but it's just a miserable awful feeling. It's almost impossible to describe. It's called partial.temporal.seizure.disorder, if anyone is interested. The doctor is associated with another doctor that is opening a clinic in the hospital, and they want me to be one of the first patients to go. I'm not really sure what it will entail, but lots of cat scans, mris, etc. I also have to have someone stay with me 24 hours a day. That was easy to arrange. For this time, girlie's grandma (chucks mom) was going to come out and get girlie, then take her back to Utah with her. After my hospital stay I would fly out, spend some time there and bring girlie home. Then Chuck decided he wanted to go with girlie as well, which was fine with me. I bought my tickets last Thursday, and that same evening Chuck informed me that he was planning on taking his girlfriend Even. And he thought that this would be okay with me. Those two taking my daughter. Supposedly Even is moving the 28th and they want to spend the last week together. I FLIPPED out. I was hysterical. It's a hard feeling to describe, but if anyone has been so completely betrayed by someone that they truly loved and have loved for a long time, the father of their child, it is a horrible devastating pain. The part about this that hurt the most is the part where Chuck's parents said it was okay for him to bring this girl. His mom Kare has been a mom to me, especially with the loss of my mom. I love her like a mother, and she refers to me as her daughter. I'm so grateful for this relationship, because otherwise I don't think I could have gotten through these past couple of years without her. I called Chuck's sister Jan, whom I am close to and asked if she had known anything about it, and she hadn't. She became furious and called her mom and asked her what the hell she was doing. Kare became really upset because she knew it wasn't a good thing, but they just want Chuck out there so badly that they said okay. This was Thursday and I haven't spoken to her since, although she has called and emailed many times. I just can't do it, I cannot talk to her or anyone else, I'm just so hurt and devastated. This probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, why it's such a big deal, but it is such a kick to the gut, to have the love of your life screw up so badly, not try to fix it, accept being kicked out, and immediately find another girl. And then having her in my daughter's life, and wanting to take her to meet his family in Utah. Which is ironic, because no one wants to meet her. Anyway, I told Kare (via email) that as long as Even was going, I was not. I would just take the tickets and use then another time. Kare has sent me some emails that I want to put here. They help give me some insight, and they show that Kare is a loving and caring person, but I still can't talk to her right now. She sent me these emails, which in itself is a miracle because Kare has never touched a computer in her life.

Jan let me know how upset and hurt you are. I'm so sorry if I ever contribute to your pain! I want to be a loving resource to everyone I love and sometimes it seems like I end up making everyone upset. Obviously the same things don't please each person.Most importantly, I love you!!! I will always love you no matter what. You are my daughter and nothing will change that. It's like when a mother has a new baby. Her love just multiplies and she doesn't love her other children any less. I just added you to my children. I love you for who you are and because you're girlie's beautiful, sweet mother. We are irrevocably connected and I am so glad! I consider you one of my blessings and pray for you every day. I am so sorry that Chuck's choices and actions [especially his alcoholism] have impacted your life so negatively. It breaks my heart that he still is in denial about it. I want with all my heart to associate with you and help you in any way that I can. I really want to be there for you so you can call on me whenever you want or need to. Of course I love Chuck. My love for my children is unconditional. I do not agree with a lot of his choices obviously but I just can't give up on him. I have no idea how long it will take for him to wake up. Meanwhile I feel like he needs my love, association, and hopefully a good example. Maybe someday these things will help to promote the changes he needs to make. So far he has been a kind and loving Daddy when he has Girlie. She is the one thing in his life that he truly loves. He does call and ask for advice about her care when he has questions and miraculously has pretty good common sense about her care.About Even—I know Chucks' relationship with her has hurt and upset you. I'm sorry he seemed to "move on" so quickly. I think He was depressed and lonely and she was convenient. I really don't know her well. I haven't spent much time with her. She isn't interested in being a "mother figure" to Girlie. Chuck is always her caregiver when he has girlie. Evan is just an occasional playmate. She is very kind to her. The family has no particular interest in her. They just want Chuck to be around his family [especially since no one drinks!] We had said he could bring Even because He was hesitant to come when she was moving so soon. No one was especially thrilled about it. [Actually Jan is definitely "taking sides" with you and is livid!] I have no special feelings for her. I honestly don't think anything will ever come of the relationship because she is moving and Chuck doesn't want a long-distance relationship. Please call and let me know what I can do to reassure or help you. I wish I knew what to do that wouldn't make someone upset. I really do want to be there for you. Please forgive me for any hurt I've caused you. I would never hurt you on purpose.Never forget I love you! I can't wait to see you!

Next email, since I didn't know how to reply:

Dear -
This letter is probably a lot more to me than to you. I just needed to organize my thoughts, experiences, decisions, etc. on paper to clear my mind and get personal perspective. Maybe this could help to reassure you or to understand how things have evolved. You'll probably need to read this more than once, especially the last part. I realize that what I wrote yesterday didn't help or make you feel any better. I'm sorry it didn't help, but I mostly wanted to reassure you of my love for you. Jan said you hesitate to talk to me because you're not sure you could explain how you are feeling. Also, I know you're hurt. I can certainly understand and empathize with the difficulty of explaining personal feelings. They are usually complicated and tender. Our feelings are an amalgum of our upbringing, personality, experiences, and choices, chemistry, philosophies, opinions baggage, and on and on. I certainly don't always even understand my own feelings. Just because I want to organize and think through how everything has evolved doesn't mean any final decisions have been made. It's just an effort to understand better. I hope you would feel free again to share feelings, thoughts, concerns, and fears to me. I really do care how you feel and want more than anything to understand. I honestly do have a basic desire to help everyone I love be happy and o.k. Unfortunately, that's a fantasy. Sometimes as a mother, wife, grandmother, etc., I really feel like I'm performing a circus act and juggling knives, clubs, bottles, wild animals--[you get the idea]. I have a list of people [knives, clubs, wild animals] whom I dearly love and want to care for. I feel a strong responsibility for them and actually feel like care-giving is my calling or role in life. I truly feel like it's a privilege and blessing to have associations with my family and so many people to love. [It's important to me for you to understand that I'm not complaining. I love my life]. CHUCK; There isn't enough paper. He is a constant worry and heart ache [head ache?!] for me. You probably know better than anyone. Of course the number one underlying issue is his alcoholism. It colors everything and contributes to every issue he has. He struggles with motivation, depression, loneliness, alienation from loved ones, regret, low self esteem, hurt, etc. I'm pretty sure the only thing he knows for sure is how much he loves and adores Girlie. He told his sister in January that he basically felt worthless and didn't expect anyone to give him the benefit of the doubt, I'm sure that's one of the reasons the idea of Even was so appealing to him. He worries about divided loyalties [the idea that if I love you, I don't or can't love him]. I have a profound belief in "redemption". I know people can overcome extreme difficulties and change their lives for the better. I've seen it happen. I believe in repentance and I refuse to give up on him and know that really all I can do for him is give him love and acceptance [without accepting bad behaviors.] I feel to the very core of my soul that it would be wrong to give up on him. Unfortunately, this seems to be a long-term process. YOU; [Do you want to fill this part out?] First, just let me remind you that you are my daughter. You are as fully in my heart as anyone on this list. You are not in a different or special category, You are hurt, feel betrayed, scared, alone, overwhelmed by responsibility and just by the idea of "how could this have happened to me!" You are struggling with difficult health concerns--your seizure disorder and eating issues. It must seem like you're carrying the world on your shoulders with school, work, childcare arrangements, maintenance and care of your home and car, financial worries, and last and most importantly--Girlie. I think "issues" left over from the difficult relationship with your Mother make it hard to know how to feel in certain situations. I can certainly understand why you would be sensitive to any hint of rejection. I'm concerned about all these issues for you and have tried to help in anyway I could and want to continue on. I'd love to be a "mother" for you. I want to be a "sounding board", a source of reassurance, encouragement, occasional advise [although my mother adamantly told me not to give her advice!], and most fun of all-- a babysitter. GIRLIE; She is a huge priority for me. I would do anything that was right to advocate for her because it breaks my heart to see her little family fall apart. [I definatly think you're a wonderful, caring, and dedicated mother.] While I'm deeply concerned about her welfare; she is my joy! Now aboout the upcoming few weeks: This is the genesis of how the plans evolved and the reasons for it as well as I can remember. Last winter/spring Calvin (Chuck's dad) expressed a desire to have all his family come to a retirement activity/celebration. [Basically this whole thing started out in honor of Calvin and to fulfill his wishes]. Right away there was sadness for him because we couldn't have you and Chuck at the same time; so we always planned to have him at one time and you come to see us all a little later hoping that would be the best compromise possible. We finally decided to get a condo after the short course and have the family stay. When I invited Chuck, he didn't want to come to that because of the personal alienation and judgment he feels [refer to CHUCK section] and he didn't know if he could handle all the family together in one place. Calvin was really disappointed. Then when you needed a baby sitter because of the hospital stay, we wondered if you would let me bring Girlie to Utah so the family could see her. [I can't even describe how excited Calvin gets at the thoughts of Girlie coming. Nothing else makes him as happy.] We had always assumed you could probably come to get her and then we could have the little visit with you. When I mentioned that you had given permission to bring Girlie, Chuck rethought his decision to come and decided he wanted to [especially since it would be after the "close-contact condo" experience]. Calvin was really pleased that this meant he could see all his family [including you] in a fairly short time period. When Chuck realized it was the same time as Even's last week before she moved he started to have mixed feelings and that's when he decided bringing her would be the perfect solution [obviously only for him!] When he asked me if he could, I was instantly uncomfortable because I knew it would cause upset and hurt feelings. I wasn't personally worried about her one way or the other; but knew how much having Chuck and Girlie here meant to Calvin because he truly does feel uncertain about his "longevity". I asked Calvin if it would be o.k. with him. He said yes because of how much he wanted Chuck and Girlie here even though he felt concern about it too. I told Chuck that he had to tell you and have your permission. He thought it was silly for me to spend money to fly out to get Girlie when it was just a matter of a few hours and there would be 2 adults to watch out for her. I always told him that no matter what, I was willing to come. [He obviously did a bang up job of asking!] I'm completely torn because the primary motive was for Calvin to have all his family here for his retirement and because we really don't know how many more opportunities there will be. On the one hand it looks like if Chuck brings Evan, you don't want Paisley* to come [*the "cherry on the top" as far as Calvin is concerned]. If you don't let girlie come, either Chuck wouldn't come or he'd take it to court. [I hate that!] If Chuck came and girlie was here with me too; and you were still willing to come after the hospital ,Calvin would get to see his whole family [with a measure of awkwardness. Jan and Erik probably wouldn't participate in that part.] On the down side you would feel hurt, betrayed, and disrespected [which isn't o.k. with me]. On the other hand, if you didn't let Girlie come; Chuck, girlie and you would be missing for Calvin's festivities because this whole complicated arrangement is really about Calvin. Then Chuck would feel betrayed ....and on and on and bla, bla, bla, on the other, other, different hand. I'm really having a difficult time seeing a happy solution for everyone but I haven't given up. I guess I'm just letting everyone think [especially me], search their hearts, and cool down. Hopefully we'll talk soon. I love you,

To get one thing straight, I NEVER said Girlie couldn't go to Utah. That was the plan all along. I just did not want Even going. I basically told Kare that if Even went, I just would not. Very simple. Email today, which of course just sends me bawling.

Thank you for responding to my long e-mail. The first clarification I need is, am I understanding correctly that Girlie can come no matter what is decided about anything else? But if Even comes then you don't want to come? I'm just making sure I understood you.

It's hard to explain how my heart aches for you. I realize that I can't possibly understand how heart-broken, hurt, and angry you must be. I have listened and talked to you enough during this last year; have lived long enough and had enough experience to have a small idea. One thing I know for sure is that you are truly in pain. I think that one of the dynamics for anyone mourning the loss of a relationship, especially a husband and father of your child, is that a person starts to question what was real and true about that relationship and if everything in their life that they believed in was a lie or an illusion.

I don't want to bring up such a sensitive subject and hurt you any more, but I think it's really important to correct a misperception you have. It's completely understandable why you would think the way you do. I probably would too in your place. Please understand that I am not defending Chuck. I can't defend his behaviors and choices! As you know, I have have an ongoing sadness, worry and concern about his life and well being. When Chuck moved on to a new relationship so quickly, that choice was terribly hurtful to you and I know that it made you question if he had ever loved you. Certainly in my opinion, that decision was a very inappropriate and unwise idea. To me it was just another example of how Chuck numbs himself instead of facing his problems. His own explanation is that she was part of a group of friends and liked him, but he didn't start any exclusive relationship until there was no hope for the marriage [at least in his mind]. This was sometime in the new year. [Don't forget that I don't agree with him!] He didn't keep her secret from us "because he didn't think it was honest", although you thought it was very disrespectful to us. The reason for the relationship by his own admission is his own neediness. He was lonely, depressed, and afraid [duh!] and as we all know didn't want to face or think about his problems. She was a diversion and listening ear. He himself characterizes the relationship as a friendship. He says he cares about her but isn't in love with her. He actually expects the relationship to be over when she moves because he "doesn't do long distant relationships". Now for the important reason I've told you all this stuff [I'm pretty sure you didn't want to hear]. Chuck told me again just last night that "of course he had loved you!" He loved you more than he has ever loved anyone. He said he clung to the relationship even when he was hurt, confused, upset, and didn't know what to do. [Unfortunately what he usually chose to do was hide, avoid, and numb.] In spite of his huge lack of coping skills, he always wanted to hang on to and preserve the relationship. He was completely committed to you [in his own horrible, stupid, way]. He definitely still worries about you. During the recent tornado, his first concern was to let you know that Girlie was alright. His next concern was to find out if you were alright. He called me really worried about you because he couldn't get ahold of you. HE DEFINITELY DOES NOT CARE FOR EVEN MORE THAT HE CARED FOR YOU!!! That's the bottom line and the reason for all this rambling on. I need you to have this clarification and hopefully tiny measure of comfort. I am not making any of this up. He, himself has told me these things many times.

I'm completely at a loss in how to comfort and help you. I am of course praying for you and you're on my mind all the time. If begging would help, I'd like to beg you to come to Utah no matter what. You're the one everyone really wants to see. Also you have friends here and I have a gift certificate for a luxurious massage and facial at the spa in the exclusive Zermatt in Midway! Chuck really can't come later because it's important to us that he be here when Dave(brother) is. Dave is a good loving, influence on Chuck. I think too that it's a good idea for you to be around us during the second seizure observation week.

I didn't ever get your airline information. Maybe you could pass it on.

No matter what happens, I LOVE YOU!!!! Please let me be there for you.

Ugh. I don't know what to do. I know she means all of this, but I still am so hurt by Even going. I don't even know if she is or not. I could still go as planned but go stay with Jan and Erik, about 1 hour from where Kare lives. I don't know if anyone reads this stoopid blog or not, but if you do, please give me some insight? I'm just really hurt and confused...and lonely right now.