Up and down

The day started out well. I slept in since I didn't have Paisley, til 5:45, whoohoo! Except that my cat started meowing really loudly outside my door at about 5:40. Urgh. Can't wait until my basement is finished and I can lock the little shitheads in the storage room. I love them and all, but sometimes they're crazy. Anyway, I got an email first thing from my sister-in-law, Charles' brother's wife, telling me that they're pregnant. This is extremely exciting as they've been trying to get pregnant for 5+ years. They paid $20,000 for in-vitro, and it hasn't worked, until now. They just told me last week that they're adopting a baby girl to be born in May, and my first thought was, they're going to get pregnant. I'm so smart. And it's very possible that they'll have twins. I really am excited for them, and not jealous. They so deserve it, as they wanted children Sooooo badly. So they may end up with 3 babies, but they'll love it. I know it was really hard on my sis-in-law when I got pregnant, as they'd been trying for a long time to no avail.

So I called my mom-in-law to talk about the good news, but she hadn't heard yet. Oops. I'm assuming they're planning some big news breaking thing, and I spoiled it. Oh well, their fault for sending out an email before telling her, right? By the way, my mominlaw (Karen) is one of the people I'm closest to. She's absolutely amazing, and very supportive of me. She was here around Easter and stayed 2 weeks. She stayed mainly at my house, and took care of girlie. It was just so nice to have someone around, to come home to someone, she cooked and we just talked. The downside of that is I have such a hard time when she leaves. I guess she left 2 weeks ago, and there was a possibility that she may come back this weekend (she lives in UT, I live in KS) because her hubby was going to talk at one of the local universities. I hadn't heard so I asked her, and she said yes, hesitantly. That surprised me that she hadn't told me, but she said it was because I told her that if she came I didn't want to know. I don't think she told me because it's AH's weekend with girlie, and as it's such a short trip she didn't think there would really be time to see me. That really upsets me, that she wouldn't try to see me though. I asked her if we could maybe meet for breakfast sat morning, it would only be like an hour or two. She said she'd love to, but didn't know if her hubby would come. I haven't seen him since June, so that made me upset as well. I know he hasn't seen girlie since then either, and wants to spend as much time with her as possible, so I asked if they could just bring girlie with them for an hour or so. Karen's going to talk to AH about it. So I go from being in a really good mood to trying not to cry.

I need some advice. There's a musical tomorrow night at our school's theater which looks really good, but I have no one to go with. There are two guys who have acted interested in me, but I'm not interested in either. Could I still ask one of them to go with me without giving them the impression that I'm interested in them? I'm contemplating going alone, but I hate doing stuff like that alone.

I am so lonely. I've never felt like this before. I work with kids lots younger (usually 9-4 years younger) and live out in the middle of nowhere, so don't have too many friends there. Plus I'm so busy it's hard to make friends or have time to maintain friendships. I don't even know how to explain this kind of loneliness. It's just an overwhelming feeling of having NO ONE to turn to.

I called girlie last night, since she was at AH's, and I always call and say goodnight. Does AH ever call. NO. Of course not. Anyway, so she jabbered for awhile, then started crying and yelling mommy over and over. She NEVER cries or asks for her dad. No surprise there. I listened to her cry for at least 2 minutes until she finally hung up the phone. She was crying and calling for me the entire time. It breaks my heart, and I know it is so incredibly hard for her, as she doesn't understand all this, but at the same time, I'm glad that AH can see that she loves me more. :)

The one thing about my fucked up life that I feel I can control is my weight. I've lost a ton of weight (85 pounds since the day I went into labor). Yet anytime I go up a pound or two, I restrict my diet to get back down. I'm 5'7" and I weigh 120 pounds. I know that's really borderline underweight, but it's one thing I can control and feel proud of, as pathetic as that is.