Last night

Ahhh, the pleasures of not having girlie around (I try to look at the positive rather than dwell on the fact that my heart literally aches to not have her here), I got up 30 minutes ago. At 11:45. Meaning I slept for 12 hours. Sooooo nice. Now I have 2 days ahead of me to do WHATEVER I WANT. No Dumbo, no Cinderella. Pizza and candy for lunch. Naps. Showers.

Okay, so last night. This guy I asked, Joel. Nice guy, I sit next to him in a teaching class and we chat during it a bit. That means I usually only see his side profile. A few details, he's 30, he was an medic in the army for 6 years, messed up his foot and got out. He lives in the dorms. Yes, you're reading this right. He's 30 and he's living in the dorms. He borrowed his roommate's car to come here tonight. I pull up to the restaurant IHOP, classy all the way, I love that place, and he was waiting outside. I was already dreading this, but was trying to suck it up. I almost didn't recognize him when I got to him, as his hair was SLICKED BACK WITH GEL. Like the guys out of Grease. Also, he had tried to bleach it himself a few weeks back, but ended up with orange spots. Seriously, there are SPOTS. Why the hell is not redying it? He looks like a fucking leopard. So anyway, we sit down and I'm across from him and I've never really seen him face on, and I was a little surprised. This guy is not attractive. At all. And I know I know, it wasn't supposed to be a date, but it was just weird. And it was just uncomfortable. Awkward. I try to ask him some questions, and he started talking about how he was a medic in the army. That's very honorable, so I asked him about some of his experiences and he told me a story about having to deliver a baby. It was some lady in the field teaching others how to shoot, and her water broke. He proceeded to tell me how he knew what to do, got some shoelaces and sterilized scissors and took care of it. I asked how long it took from the time her water broke until that baby was born. 30 minutes. Ummm, I know that's possible, but fairly rare. I asked him if he cut the placenta and told me how he debated about it but did it and kind of explained about how he knew to cut 6 inches from the placenta. He didn't even know what the word for placenta was. In my mind I'm thinking, this guy is full of shit. He is totally making this up. I pretended to him that it was a cool story, but I still think it's a crock of shit. Too much like a movie. I could be wrong but...I doubt it. My gut instinct is usually right. He starts to tell me about how surprised he was that I added him to Facebook, and that I asked him to go with me. I didn't mention that he was my last resort. I asked him about how his profile and how it was all about him looking for a relationship (in a really desperate way). I told him straight up that I had ONLY asked him as a friend. I was going through a really bad divorce and the last thing I need is a relationship. Don't have the time nor energy to waste in that right now. Honestly, his face fell a little and I felt really bad. He told me that he didn't think I'd be interested in him but he was kind of hoping, but he understood. At this point I feel really badly. Poor guy.

On to the theater. We really aren't making small talk, get our seats and wait. At this point I've been trying to call AH so that I can tell girlie good night. He doesn't answer which started to piss me off because he HAS to let me talk to her. It's in the legal contract. While we waited for the show I try calling about 4 times. No answer. I'm getting pissed. Show starts and it's really good. It's called Gypsy. I'd never heard of it before but it looked really cool. During intermission I try calling AH again. Still no answer. I call my mom in law and aske her if she's talked to him. She hasn't, but then she tries to tell me how sometimes he turns off his phone or charging it. You do not have to turn your phone off to charge it! There are very few times that a cell phone needs to be off! Excuses! Then I ask her if she's talked to AH about me seeing Karen and her husband for breakfast Sunday. She hasn't. Then she asks what I'm doing for lunch Monday, and SHE could meet me then. Not THEY. I have 1 hour for lunch, including the time it takes me to get to and from work. I already have a tutoring apointment set up for that time for my stats class as I have a test on Wednesday. I'm now really upset that I won't get to see my FIL as well, as he doesn't seem to even want to see me. I start getting really abrupt with Karen, and I told her not to worry about, go have her weekend with girlie. So she says, oh, we'll work something out. I was so upset I just said, no, just go have your weekend with them. I was not being very nice at this point. I almost just wanted to hang up on her, and I told her I had to go, and she said "I love you" as she always had, and I just said bye and hung up. And started crying. Went back to the theater and tried to hide it (luckily I was in the back row in the first seat by the door). Joel kept trying to talk to me and finally realized that I was upset and of course I started full on crying. I told him what happened and he was really sympathetic. That helped me stop crying and then watch the end of the show. By that point I felt really bad about being bitchy to him and started apologizing. He was really cool about it and said I could always talk to him if I needed. So I get in my car and leave. I'm such a bitch, I felt really bad.

2 weeks ago I was going to a movie and dinner with an old friend. He's actually my "rebound" guy, started seeing him right after AH moved out. Nice guy and all, but totally not my type. He's a country boy, likes stuffed animals (not toys, real animals that he's killed) in his house. Has poor grammar, which drives me, the English major, bonkers, ( I know the way I type doesn't prove this, but I'm trying to write this the way I'd actually say it). He has to ask me what some of the words I say mean. He is so incredibly nice though and tries so hard to make me happy, but it's just not right. We honestly have nothing to talk about. So I ended it back in November, but we still talk and are "friends with benefits." C'mon, everyone has needs, right? So back to 2 weeks ago, we went to dinner and then we're going to the movies and I start crying. I think he said something like I seemed quiet or not talking, which pissed me off because I had been trying to make conversation during dinner and he hadn't helped. So I start crying and don't really want to go to a movie. He takes me home and I go in and go to bed. I'm just pathetic.

So that's my story in a nutshell. I know it probably doesn't sound like much to anyone else, but it was just such a shitty night for me. Wah wah wah. Poor me.

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god tonight was HOR.RI.BLE. Wow. This is why I don't go out. I'm going to bed and maybe if I ever get up I'll write it down here. Ok, maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, no one was hurt or anything, but it still sucked to me. Peace out.

Mistake

So I sucked it up and asked one of the guys to go with me. Through Facebook. I love that thing. I also asked if wanted to grab dinner since I'd have time to kill between work and the play and live too far away to go home. Then I noticed on his Facebook that his status said he was suddenly in a really good mood. Oops. And he's looking for a relationship. Another oops. So I conveniently brought up the fact that I'm GOING THROUGH A BAD DIVORCE. I've always had guy friends whom I would just hang out with and not ever worry about it becoming anything more. Less drama than girlfriends.

Up and down

The day started out well. I slept in since I didn't have Paisley, til 5:45, whoohoo! Except that my cat started meowing really loudly outside my door at about 5:40. Urgh. Can't wait until my basement is finished and I can lock the little shitheads in the storage room. I love them and all, but sometimes they're crazy. Anyway, I got an email first thing from my sister-in-law, Charles' brother's wife, telling me that they're pregnant. This is extremely exciting as they've been trying to get pregnant for 5+ years. They paid $20,000 for in-vitro, and it hasn't worked, until now. They just told me last week that they're adopting a baby girl to be born in May, and my first thought was, they're going to get pregnant. I'm so smart. And it's very possible that they'll have twins. I really am excited for them, and not jealous. They so deserve it, as they wanted children Sooooo badly. So they may end up with 3 babies, but they'll love it. I know it was really hard on my sis-in-law when I got pregnant, as they'd been trying for a long time to no avail.

So I called my mom-in-law to talk about the good news, but she hadn't heard yet. Oops. I'm assuming they're planning some big news breaking thing, and I spoiled it. Oh well, their fault for sending out an email before telling her, right? By the way, my mominlaw (Karen) is one of the people I'm closest to. She's absolutely amazing, and very supportive of me. She was here around Easter and stayed 2 weeks. She stayed mainly at my house, and took care of girlie. It was just so nice to have someone around, to come home to someone, she cooked and we just talked. The downside of that is I have such a hard time when she leaves. I guess she left 2 weeks ago, and there was a possibility that she may come back this weekend (she lives in UT, I live in KS) because her hubby was going to talk at one of the local universities. I hadn't heard so I asked her, and she said yes, hesitantly. That surprised me that she hadn't told me, but she said it was because I told her that if she came I didn't want to know. I don't think she told me because it's AH's weekend with girlie, and as it's such a short trip she didn't think there would really be time to see me. That really upsets me, that she wouldn't try to see me though. I asked her if we could maybe meet for breakfast sat morning, it would only be like an hour or two. She said she'd love to, but didn't know if her hubby would come. I haven't seen him since June, so that made me upset as well. I know he hasn't seen girlie since then either, and wants to spend as much time with her as possible, so I asked if they could just bring girlie with them for an hour or so. Karen's going to talk to AH about it. So I go from being in a really good mood to trying not to cry.

I need some advice. There's a musical tomorrow night at our school's theater which looks really good, but I have no one to go with. There are two guys who have acted interested in me, but I'm not interested in either. Could I still ask one of them to go with me without giving them the impression that I'm interested in them? I'm contemplating going alone, but I hate doing stuff like that alone.

I am so lonely. I've never felt like this before. I work with kids lots younger (usually 9-4 years younger) and live out in the middle of nowhere, so don't have too many friends there. Plus I'm so busy it's hard to make friends or have time to maintain friendships. I don't even know how to explain this kind of loneliness. It's just an overwhelming feeling of having NO ONE to turn to.

I called girlie last night, since she was at AH's, and I always call and say goodnight. Does AH ever call. NO. Of course not. Anyway, so she jabbered for awhile, then started crying and yelling mommy over and over. She NEVER cries or asks for her dad. No surprise there. I listened to her cry for at least 2 minutes until she finally hung up the phone. She was crying and calling for me the entire time. It breaks my heart, and I know it is so incredibly hard for her, as she doesn't understand all this, but at the same time, I'm glad that AH can see that she loves me more. :)

The one thing about my fucked up life that I feel I can control is my weight. I've lost a ton of weight (85 pounds since the day I went into labor). Yet anytime I go up a pound or two, I restrict my diet to get back down. I'm 5'7" and I weigh 120 pounds. I know that's really borderline underweight, but it's one thing I can control and feel proud of, as pathetic as that is.

Stoopididdy (s.diddy for short)

My throat still feels like someone has taken a rake to it. Besides that I'm tired, but no other symptoms. 3 days now...c'mon! Either I get really sick and get to stay home, or I get better and don't sit at work like a zombie.

My brother lawyer emailed me today, as he will help me out at court. He doesn't do any type of divorce law, but as I can't afford a lawyer he's going to come help me out. What a nice bro. He doesn't really think I'll really get what I ask for. I knew that the driving restriction wouldn't fly, but hopefully the judge we take his alcohol usage into consideration. Did I mention that I want to hire a PI? I would love to catch AH with Daughter (girlie) at a bar with a beer (not really) so that he'll break the rules and get in trouble. What I REALLY wish is that he'd get caught DD again and go to jail. For a long time.

When I was visiting my family this weekend, I got to see my bro and his wife that live in NM. They have a little boy who just turned 1, and just told me that they are expecting again. I'm really happy for them, but at the same time really sad. AH and I had planned on trying for another baby back in January, so that girlie and this baby would be 3 years apart. Obviously, not going to happen, and for the better, I know. It's still hard. What if I don't have another baby? Even saying that is so selfish I know, because so many women can't even have babies, and I already have one gorgeous daughter. But I still want another baby, badly. Before I got pregnant, I had always wanted a baby, but didn't realize just how amazing being a mother is. So now the baby hunger is so much stronger because I know so much more about it. I want to be pregnant. I want to know that I am growing this real person. I have quite a few friends that are about to pop, and I'm so happy for them, yet jealous at the same time. I would never tell any of them this, just some thoughts for myself. I decided that if I don't meet anyone by the time I'm 35 (8 years), I will go to a sperm bank. Or if that's too pricey, a random donor.

I've turned into a stoopid person. I can't remember things for the life of me. Little things at work that I'll completely forget, even when I go to do something, I'll get to the next room and have forgotten what I was doing. I know everyone does that, but not as often as I do. It worries me. I can't spell anymore either, and that used to be my strong point, English major and all. I am actually worried about all of this, I'm only 27. What will happen when I'm 60?

Feeling like crud

Man, I feel like crap today. Sore throat and exhausted. This will be the SIXTH time in SIX months that P and I have gotten sick. I'm not really sure if she's sick or not. We went to visit my dad this weekend, and the entire drive home (2 hours) she had huge gobs of snot falling out of her nose. Yesterday she was in an awful mood, but I figured she wasn't feeling well. Screamed and screamed when I dropped her off at the sitter, but seemed fine last night and this morning, yet she screamed and cried this morning as well. This is all new, as she's always been fine when I left, but this has started the last few weeks. I'm really concerned that it's because she's carted everywhere, between me, her dad, having grandma visit for a few weeks, going out of town to see my family. I'm hoping that she'll get back to normal soon.



I have court in one week. I'm not sure if this is actually the actual divorce or just a pre-trial, but I really hope that it'll be the end. I'm so tired of this. Then I can say I'm a free woman! Although I have no interest in dating, also because I've got some pretty high standards for myself now. I don't want to date just to date, I am only going to date if I feel it's something that would actually work out. So far I haven't met anyone like that, just guys that want to play around. I remember when I got married I thought that I was so happy that I wouldn't ever have to date again. Seeing as I never thought I'd get divorced.



I'm too tired to even bitch about stuff. Let me think about it.

Going to hell in a handbasket

I've done this blog thing before. I have a family blog about my 2 year old daughter, but am so lacking on posts there. Time deficient is what I am. I need a place to write, a place to vent. I'm tired of keeping it all bottled up inside, because that's when I'll explode and do something I really regret.

I should have known better. I knew the warning signs. I met my soon to be ex-husband in January 2001. We both worked at Target, he had long hair, and honestly, I wasn't even attracted to him. One night he and another guy invited me back to his place. Let's call him the asshole, or AH for short. The other guy, Jason, drove him home which I thought nothing of at the time, but it turned out he couldn't drive, as he had 2 DUI's. Right there is where I want to kick myself in the ass. Warning sign anyone? Anyway, we hooked up that night (just kissing, as I was still "pure"), and I vividly remember him coming towards me and his lips were huge and puffy and a turnoff. Why I still kissed him? Who the hell knows. His apartment was really weird, halloween stuff everywhere, shitty furniture, dark. I assumed it was just a typical bachelor pad. He had also been divorced before. He said they grew apart. Next week, we didn't talk and I wasn't that interested. Super bowl was that Sunday and he and Jason called and basically begged me to come over. So I went. And AH and I were a couple. This is where I kick myself. All he did was drink and smoke and not drive and sit in his dark and nasty apartment, except for the times his mom came over and drove him to and from work. He was 25. But, we got along really really well. We could talk forever, laugh forever, and that's something you don't find in everyone. But still. He was the first person I slept with. It was not great. I was scared and he didn't really seem to care.

Fast forward to August of 2001. AH had to serve 11 days in jail for his DUI's. This really bothered me, and I was having huge doubts about our relationship. While he was in jail, I went to a party and met this cute guy named Jared. We ended up hooking up in the back seat of his car. No sex, just making out, but he ended up leaving hickies all over my neck. The next day I was going to see AH in jail and was scrambling to find a turtle neckAH later. I did see that guy some more afterwards, going to his house and fooling around. Maybe TMI, but he is the only guy ever who's given me an orgasm with his finger. That's not sex, right?

So AH gets out of jail, he knows I cheated, and somewhere in my mind it's a relief, we can break up. Instead, he begs me to stay with him. For some dumbass reason I did. Let me kick myself again. Harder.

Fast forward to the next year. By this time I had met (and fallen in love with) his family. It was just so natural. I had convinced him to cut his hair and get rid of some really ugly clothes. I graduated from BYU (I'll get into the Mormon crap later) and was moving to Poland to teach English for a year. Right after I graduated, he proposed. It was in front of his entire family, and I said yes. I really think I did want to marry him. He had stopped drinking and smoking (for the most part) and our relationship was doing well. I had moved in and we'd totally made over the apartment. We got engaged in June, and I left for Poland in August.

Poland was amazing. Oh wait, I forgot the part about me going to Hungary for a month to teach English. And met many cute European boys. And kissed many cute boys. So back to Poland, it was really hard at first, I was pretty homesick. After about 3 months, I met this gorgeous guy name Darek. Oh he was beautiful. And we became a couple. I was so in love with him. I'd go to his apartment all the time, his mom cooked me dinner every night. He lived with his mom, which is completely normal there. He even asked me casually to marry him, written on a piece of paper on a train to Krakow. As with any relationship, it had it's ups and downs. He was very dedicated to his job, and needed to learn English to get a better position. He was always studying, or sleeping. AH knew I had this friend, but I convinced him that Darek was just a friend, although I'm pretty sure he didn't believe me. After a few months, AH decided he wanted to come live with me in Poland. His parents offered to pay for it. I said no way. This was my thing, he didn't need to come ruin it. Plus, I had Darek. When it was time for me to leave Poland, Darek and I weren't in a great place, but he was going to try to get a visa to come to the States, but it was denied. I wasn't too upset about it. One day our cat came out carrying a little piece of paper in her mouth. It was the little note that Darek wrote to me about marrying him. That should have been a sign if there ever was one! Now I'm slapping myself on the face. AH flipped out and kicked me out. I was fine with that. As I was walking out the door, he changed his mind and begged me to stay. Seeing as I really had no where to go, I stayed. What was I thinking??? So we tried and made things better, and planned a wedding for the next August (2004). I'm not sure, but something in my mind wasn't completely excited, but I thought that that was normal, that no relationship is perfect. This is where we get back to the alcohol. I had been trying and trying to get him to stop drinking, and asked him not to drink at our reception. The first thing he does? Goes and gets a huge beer. By 2am he's wasted, and needless to say we did not have sex.

For about 6 months things are okay. We had a weekly poker night where he got wasted, but besides that he didn't drink. I got pregnant in January, which was planned, then we decided to move to KS so that he could go to school and eventually get into the vet program. Our town has an entire street devoted to bars, and AH loved that. Loved it so much that he drank everyday. To the point where he wouldn't come home at night, or came home at 3 in the morning. He very rarely saw our daughter, and when he did, all he did was lay on the couch. And I put up with it because he promised to change. Then he got another DUI. The KS system didn't find his 2 priors, and so he was only charged with first offense. This is where I wish I had a time machine. I would go back to that point and inform the police about his priors, send him to jail, and get the hell out of Dodge.

Instead, I waited. Way too long. I finally kicked him out last August after finding him drunk in a bar way too often. Best move I've every made. Our divorce will hopefully be final on April 15th, but the part that sucks about it is that he is fighting for partial custody. This is the man that didn't see his daughter for 6 months more or less, went a whole month in December without seeing her. Never called to see how she was or talk to her. We had a huge ice storm that knocked out power for 4 days, he never called to make sure she was okay.

Those are the main points. I need to get back to work, plus I can only think of these topics for so long before I want to throw up.