Loneliness

If someone were to ask me how I am feeling right now, the answer would have to be loneliness. For a long time now I've convinced myself that I'm okay with what I'm doing, okay with doing this single mother, full time student thing. And I am. But living in the middle of nowhere makes making friends difficult. Most of the people I know are college students, young college students, that don't have time to hang out with an older girl and her 3 year old. They don't want to drive 25 minutes to my house. I can't go party with them. I do have a friend Emily who lives not too far away. She's got 2 little girls and we get together pretty regularly. Lately though I have been getting the feeling that she doesn't want me around. I could be completely wrong and paranoid, which I tend to be a lot, but it's just this little niggling at the back of my mind. My friend next door is great, but she's OCD and can't leave her house if it's not spotless. Hotel room spotless. She's also a homebody and just doesn't socialize that much. We'll talk on the phone forever, but I have a hard time pinning her down to hang out, even if it's just to send her daughter over to play. It's just frustrating. Frustrating to sit at home for 2 days with nowhere to go. I don't want to drive into town, because what's there to do? I'd just spend money that I don't have, never mind the cost of the gas alone. I'm just at a loss. I love spending time with girlie, as I don't have much time during the week, but still. I don't know.

It probably doesn't help that the moron ex-hubby pulled another one of his infamous stupid ass stunts again. He and the gf decided they hated New Orleans, so they decided to pack up and move to Salt Lake. Just cuz. I can't even put into words how frustrating this is. Who does that? Who has those kind of options? While I'm busting my ass to pull some sort of life together for my baby and me, he gets to just do whatever the fuck he wants, regardless of the consequences it has on the people around him. Forget me, but girlie? This precious, innocent child that loves her daddy so much, and doesn't understand why he is not around. Why she can't give him a goodnight hug and kiss, why she can't show him her newest owie. 98% of me is glad he's not coming back, but that 2% is just blown away and pissed and confused and everything else. He claims he hates it here. Guess what? ME TOO! I hate living in the country, with no friends, no support, trying desperately to keep it together and put on a brave face for my child. She needs that. She needs stability from one person, at least. The kicker is that when ex moved they came through town to get their things, and he wanted to see girlie. This was all arranged through his mom. She called and said that he would take her for a few hours, and bring her back to the daycare. Luckily I was there that day, working downstairs in my classroom. I was waiting to hear what time he'd be there so I could inform her teachers, as I'd previously given them a note saying that if he ever showed up he was not allowed to just come take her. So one of girlies teachers comes tearing into my classroom saying that he was already there, so I run up there. Of course it's a massive fight since he tried to tell me that I didn't have the right to say he couldn't come get her. Um, yeah, I think I do. Anyway, so he sees girlie for 2 hours. 2 hours in 2 months. This is not good for her, because she doesn't understand that. Before she saw him she rarely mentioned him, but now she asks for him a lot and I just don't know what to say. "Your daddy's not here because he's a fuckhead that doesn't care enough to stick around for you?" No, I just tell her he's not here. Why am I stuck with this responsibility? I hope someday she'll see for herself how he is. Not that she should have to deal with that.

Whoring it up

Man, so much is going on, and I'm constantly wanting to update, but I have NO TIME. Get up at 5:15, get ready, get girlie ready (which at 3 takes forfuckingever), drive 30 minutes to town, drop her at daycare, go to work/or school, pick her up around 5, drive 30 minutes home, make dinner, bathe her, get ready for bed, put her down at 7:30, try to do some homework before falling asleep...I'm constantly exhausted. Poor poor pity me.

Remember the guy at my old job named Adam, the one who I had sex with in the lab? He's hot. Really tall and athletic. Remember he had a girlfriend of 3 years? Remember they lived together? Her friend even tried to add me on facebook because I guess she saw some email between Adam and me. Luckily it was pretty innocent. Needless to say, I didn't add her. I just looked at his facebook profile-he's engaged. All the pictures of him proposing, and now they're going to Vegas together. 2 Months after our tryst. That bothers me. A lot. At first I didn't care about the girl, but now I feel really bad for her. I really hope she never finds out, and I hope he never does it again. I don't even know what to think about it.

There's also Mike. My rebound guy. It's been kind of off and on lately. He moved to a place about 40 minutes away, and he's always out of town for his lineman job. Lately I've been feeling that I want more out of the relationship, but it's just not working. Seeing each other once or twice a month is not good. He says he cares, but he's not really making an effort. So my period is late. It was supposed to come last Wednesday. Today's Tuesday? I've taken 2 tests though and they're both negative, which obviously is a relief. But at the same time I'm a little sad. I want a baby. Obviously this is not the right situation. My life is hard enough, I couldn't have a baby as well. I don't want to be with Mike forever. We wouldn't be happy. Who would want a girl who had 2 kids by 2 different guys? But at the same time, still a little disappointed. Well, we were fighting via text message AGAIN. I told him I was late and he asked me if I was lying! That pissed me off so I told him not to worry about it, I'd take care of whatever happened. That was Sunday, and I haven't heard from him since. He tried texting me a lot then but I just ignored him. Still, if I were him I would be just a little more than worried that he might be having a kid. Although I've been proven right about the shittiness of men, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Speaking of, Chuck? And Even? Left New Orleans because they hated it, and are now moving to Salt Lake. He's not coming back. Which is good, but pisses me off. What happened to him? Huge story about last week, but it'll be a story for later.

I have an announcement

I suck at life.

A Week of Deaths

My divorce was finalized finally on Wednesday, after waiting more than a year. Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of my mom's death. The divorce really feels like a death for me, that part of me that was there for so long just got infected and fell off. That same night I sat thinking about how the very same evening 4 years ago hubby and I were sitting in a hospital room, watching my mother take about 6 breaths per minute, just praying that she would die. She needed to be put out of this misery. We'd all been on death watch (my dad, my 3 brothers, their wives, Chuck, family friends) for a few weeks. My wedding was on August 14th, and my mom wasn't able to make it because she was in the hospital and just too sick. We went on our honeymoon, and had to leave about 12 hours into it because she was taking a turn for the worse. At this point she was in the ICU and completely out of it. It's such a vivid memory for me, going up to the 6th floor to the waiting room outside the ICU, where all my family was waiting for me, waiting to prep me for what I was about to see. I knew she was out of it, I knew she was incubated, I knew she looked really horrible, they kept pushing this at me, but you will never be ready for what you see. My family walked me down there, and I remember so well that when I got to the room, which was glass and pretty open, I saw her and started freaking out, crying, and backing up. For some reason, whenever I've ever received really terrible news, I back up, like backing away from the person delivering the info. Anyway, I wanted to turn and run, but everyone pushed me into the room. I didn't pay any attention, but I was told later that the nurses that witnessed it even started to cry. I hope these were the same nurses that came to her funeral. This is besides the point, but I found that just incredible. Nurses deal with so many patients, yet they cared about my mother enough to go to her funeral. Back to mom, she looked ghastly. She probably weighed 80 pounds. She was 5'7". Tubes shoved down her throat, catheter bag hanging down, diaper on, I can't even explain how awful this was.

Okay, I'm in the library and feel like I'm going to start bawling, so I'll finish this later. I need a pick-me-up. I need my daughter.

Aww, it just keeps getting better

**NOTICE** This was written 2 Fridays ago. I seriously have not had a moment to spare to upload it. To top it off, I have even more drama to write about. Hint? I got fucking bitch slapped this weekend, including a puffy lip and swollen cheek.


Hey, it’s Friday night and I feel like having a par-tay!! A pity party, anyway. This past year has been one of the worst years of my life. Almost 1 year to the day that I kicked the asshole out. Where to start, where to start. Let’s start with last Thursday. I was at work, mourning that I only had 1 more day of work left at my job. I LOVED my job. I worked with some great people, and loved being able to help students. Doesn’t deter from this fact that most of the people in my department were male, as it was engineering. That was a definite bonus. So I was sad. I’ve decided to go back to school full time, as the quicker I finish school the quicker I can get a job and move us the hell out of here. Anyhoo, so I’m at work, and the POS calls. Yeah, he’s upgraded from Asshole to Piece of Shit. And I’m being generous. He has to tell me something. That something? He’s moving to New Fucking Orleans with his stupid fucking girlfriend. The one that he “broke up” with when she moved. And the kicker? He’s leaving a week from Friday. The day before this huge rafting trip I’ve been planning for MONTHS to go on. I convinced him to stay until I got back so he could watch her (skipping ahead, he called the NEXT day to tell me he had to leave Friday. Why? He had to get to NO so he could FEED HER FUCKING CATS. He is choosing not only this twat over his daughter, he is choosing her fUCKING CATS OVER HIS DAUGHTER. WHAT THE FUCKING PIECE OF HELL KIND OF STUPID SHIT IS THAT???? WHO DOES THAT? ). The whole thing is weird. He told me (I don’t know WHY I continue to believe ANYTHING he says, as he’s lied for almost all of our married life) that he didn’t love her, it wasn’t serious, and it was over when she moved. But now she’s asking him to go live with her. She’s not even going to school there. The only reason she’s even there is for an “adventure.” She’s always lived in this same town, she’s watched all her sisters go off and do stuff, and she feels likes she needs to do something. So she chose NO. She’s been there for 2 weeks and hates it. Well, go get a job! Go meet some people!! But no, POS has to go to make her happy. He is choosing this girl over his daughter. He’s in such denial that he doesn’t see it this way. He says that they’re coming back in January to go back to school, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I hate him I hate him I hate him. I really want to talk to this girl and tell her the 411, as I’m sure he hasn’t told her, or at least his condensed version of everything. How she’s just a pattern. That his first wife left him for the same reason I did, the alcohol (which I wish someone had warned ME of when I met him), he was severely depressed, and he latched on to me. I fell for it, and tried to take care of him. I’ve always been with guys who need to be taken care of. I’m a sucker. I don’t want that. When we deteriorated because he’s a stupid fuck, what’d he do? He got really depressed and suckered another innocent girl to take care of him. I guarantee this girl thinks she can fix him. She probably thinks he’s fun to party with (like I did), but if she ever decides to settle down and get serious, she’s going to do the exact same and leave his ass. So I want to warn her, but at the same time, she is really really good with girlie. Do I want to scare her away and have fuckhead find another girl who is NOT good to girlie? Anyway, he has an appointment with his lawyer next week to FINALLY get the damn papers signed. He mentioned something about him taking girlie to NO a few times. Over my rotting , wormy, corpse. He is getting NOTHING. As soon as these papers are signed, I’m going to try to change what I can. He will no longer have partial custody. He will have no rights. He’s fucked everything up so much, ie our lives, that he needs to be fucked too. So this leaves me with no babysitter for my trip. I called my dad sobbing, and he said I could take her to his house, as it was on his way. Which was a lot coming from him. Don’t get me wrong, my dad is amazing. More supportive through this whole ordeal more than I ever thought he’d be. He’s been my rock, and his example is where I have learned my determination to get on with my life. BUT, he is so accustomed to his old man ways that he doesn’t like to watch the grandkids that much, or at least for that long of a time. He adores his grandkids, but he’s such a weird old man. He’s so used to being alone since my mom died 4 years ago, he’s just really gotten used to being alone. He doesn’t devour girlie and the other kids like girlie’s other grandparents do. Her grandma and grandpa will do ANYTHING for her. When we were there last time, I slept in everyday, went out all the time by myself, basically didn’t have to do any of the hard work. That was a nice break. But my dad? No. He doesn’t automatically do that. He is also so emotionless. It’s hard to tell what he’s really thinking. My sis-in-law hates it because if she asks him to come over for dinner he’s always like, “I guess.” Never seems excited about it. I just have to remind her that he doesn’t get excited about ANYTHING. ☺ Just real blasé about that kind of thing, and she always get worried that he doesn’t want to go over there, doesn’t want to babysit…I’ve just known him long enough to know that’s not the case, he just doesn’t express his emotions. She should know that by now, she’s married to his son. Anyway, rambling, he’s just not the kind of guy who would jump at the chance of having his 2 year old wild granddaughter to himself for 3 days. Fuckhead’s mom called and said she’d come out and stay so I could go, but first of all, she doesn’t need to fly from Utah so that I can go on a 3 day rafting trip. It’s just not that important. Secondly, she really needs to stop taking responsibility for her dumbass son’s dumbass decisions.

Where does the time go???

How is it August already? Mid-august at that. Why is school starting? I really feel like my life is just FLYING by. I'm not really enjoying this feeling, either. Girlie is almost 3? What the crap? Although in December I will probably think time can't go fast enough.

I only have one more week of work left, before I start school. I'm both excited and nervous about this. I haven't been a full time student in such a long time...plus I keep thinking about all the homework I'll have to do. No more coming home and not having to do anything, not being able to leave it at work for tomorrow. I'm going to miss my job too. I do really enjoy it, but I know I need to do this. I can't work at a desk job the rest of my life. Especially with school starting next week, I'll really miss it. That's always the best time, when everyone's coming back, I get to see the students, a lot of whom I consider friends now.

So on to the hootchy mama part of me. About 1.5 weeks, I was emailing this guy who works in my building. Really tall, athletic, handsome, wears dress pants and shirts to work everyday. Good lookin'. We have always been extremely flirty with each other, emails that I wouldn't really want anyone else to see, etc. Catch is, he has a long-term girlfriend whom he lives with. Our emailing goes in spurts, sometimes a couple times a day, sometimes not for weeks at a time. Somehow we ended up a few weeks ago talking, and talking about sex. Like, us having sex. We had always flirted with the idea, but I never thought it would happen because of his girlfriend. When we first met, I had THE BIGGEST crush on him. Nothing happened though and it just turned into a friendship. My friend Becky had told me at one point that he had cheated on his gf before with one of Becky's friends, so I assumed he wasn't perfect. Anyway...we decided to meet. At work. In a lab in the basement. And we did. And we had sex. On the floor of a lab, which was NOT comfy or sexy. It just hurt. It was over in less than 1o minutes, and that was too long! It wasn't good. I think the idea of it was better than actually doing it. Me, being the bitch that I am, said after, "oh shit, maybe we should of used a condom!" The look on his face? Priceless. Then I said I was kidding, and that I was on the pill.

I don't know if all this was because I really wanted sex (I don't think so), or if I needed to prove something to myself. Prove that I'm not disgusting, as hubby made me feel? Prove that I'm not an old-woman? Prove something to that guy? I don't know. And the guy? Who I once had a major crush on? Yeah, no feelings whatsoever. Let him go home to his girlfriend. I asked my friend who knew about his infidelity exactly what had happened, and it turned out that all it was was he and some girl had been texting for awhile until he felt bad and cut it off. Oh, I thought it had been more than that.

I'm not going into the rest of my whory self right now. Gotta go be a mommy and put girlie to bed.

Leaving on a jet plane

I'm unhooked, almost. No more wires attached to my head and face. No more fanny pack and leash. I'm just waiting for the say so for me to get the hell out of here. Haven't been outside since Monday morning, so I am ready for some fresh air. The tech came this morning to pull the wires off my head, it was great. I have open sores on my forehead from where she yanked the superglue off of my forehead, and I'm sure my hair will look stupendous from where it all broke off from where the glue/tape was. I do plan to spend most of the afternoon washing my hair, and shaving. Ewww, I feel like a hairy beast. I'm scared about trying on my pants after eating 3 meals a day and not moving around at all. 

The scary part about all of this is while I was talking to my doctor this morning about what the next step should be, he said that if the medicine continues to not work, surgery is an option. That scares the bejeezus out of me. Brain surgery? What???!!! That makes me want to cry just thinking about it. The other thing that scares the crap out of me is passing this on to girlie. I got it from my mom, so there is a likelihood that she could have it. Not for sure, it just depends on her gene makeup, but I am crossing every part of my body that I have that she does not get this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

On a good note...I get to see girlie tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, I haven't really missed her, which is odd, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I've been stuck here so it seems like the days haven't really passed at all. The flights are going to be so hard tomorrow because I will be so anxious to get there and see her. Some people dream about running into their spouse's arms after not seeing them, but my dream is to just grab her and not let her go.

They're taking out the IV. Time to go!!!!