Loneliness

If someone were to ask me how I am feeling right now, the answer would have to be loneliness. For a long time now I've convinced myself that I'm okay with what I'm doing, okay with doing this single mother, full time student thing. And I am. But living in the middle of nowhere makes making friends difficult. Most of the people I know are college students, young college students, that don't have time to hang out with an older girl and her 3 year old. They don't want to drive 25 minutes to my house. I can't go party with them. I do have a friend Emily who lives not too far away. She's got 2 little girls and we get together pretty regularly. Lately though I have been getting the feeling that she doesn't want me around. I could be completely wrong and paranoid, which I tend to be a lot, but it's just this little niggling at the back of my mind. My friend next door is great, but she's OCD and can't leave her house if it's not spotless. Hotel room spotless. She's also a homebody and just doesn't socialize that much. We'll talk on the phone forever, but I have a hard time pinning her down to hang out, even if it's just to send her daughter over to play. It's just frustrating. Frustrating to sit at home for 2 days with nowhere to go. I don't want to drive into town, because what's there to do? I'd just spend money that I don't have, never mind the cost of the gas alone. I'm just at a loss. I love spending time with girlie, as I don't have much time during the week, but still. I don't know.

It probably doesn't help that the moron ex-hubby pulled another one of his infamous stupid ass stunts again. He and the gf decided they hated New Orleans, so they decided to pack up and move to Salt Lake. Just cuz. I can't even put into words how frustrating this is. Who does that? Who has those kind of options? While I'm busting my ass to pull some sort of life together for my baby and me, he gets to just do whatever the fuck he wants, regardless of the consequences it has on the people around him. Forget me, but girlie? This precious, innocent child that loves her daddy so much, and doesn't understand why he is not around. Why she can't give him a goodnight hug and kiss, why she can't show him her newest owie. 98% of me is glad he's not coming back, but that 2% is just blown away and pissed and confused and everything else. He claims he hates it here. Guess what? ME TOO! I hate living in the country, with no friends, no support, trying desperately to keep it together and put on a brave face for my child. She needs that. She needs stability from one person, at least. The kicker is that when ex moved they came through town to get their things, and he wanted to see girlie. This was all arranged through his mom. She called and said that he would take her for a few hours, and bring her back to the daycare. Luckily I was there that day, working downstairs in my classroom. I was waiting to hear what time he'd be there so I could inform her teachers, as I'd previously given them a note saying that if he ever showed up he was not allowed to just come take her. So one of girlies teachers comes tearing into my classroom saying that he was already there, so I run up there. Of course it's a massive fight since he tried to tell me that I didn't have the right to say he couldn't come get her. Um, yeah, I think I do. Anyway, so he sees girlie for 2 hours. 2 hours in 2 months. This is not good for her, because she doesn't understand that. Before she saw him she rarely mentioned him, but now she asks for him a lot and I just don't know what to say. "Your daddy's not here because he's a fuckhead that doesn't care enough to stick around for you?" No, I just tell her he's not here. Why am I stuck with this responsibility? I hope someday she'll see for herself how he is. Not that she should have to deal with that.