A Week of Deaths

My divorce was finalized finally on Wednesday, after waiting more than a year. Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of my mom's death. The divorce really feels like a death for me, that part of me that was there for so long just got infected and fell off. That same night I sat thinking about how the very same evening 4 years ago hubby and I were sitting in a hospital room, watching my mother take about 6 breaths per minute, just praying that she would die. She needed to be put out of this misery. We'd all been on death watch (my dad, my 3 brothers, their wives, Chuck, family friends) for a few weeks. My wedding was on August 14th, and my mom wasn't able to make it because she was in the hospital and just too sick. We went on our honeymoon, and had to leave about 12 hours into it because she was taking a turn for the worse. At this point she was in the ICU and completely out of it. It's such a vivid memory for me, going up to the 6th floor to the waiting room outside the ICU, where all my family was waiting for me, waiting to prep me for what I was about to see. I knew she was out of it, I knew she was incubated, I knew she looked really horrible, they kept pushing this at me, but you will never be ready for what you see. My family walked me down there, and I remember so well that when I got to the room, which was glass and pretty open, I saw her and started freaking out, crying, and backing up. For some reason, whenever I've ever received really terrible news, I back up, like backing away from the person delivering the info. Anyway, I wanted to turn and run, but everyone pushed me into the room. I didn't pay any attention, but I was told later that the nurses that witnessed it even started to cry. I hope these were the same nurses that came to her funeral. This is besides the point, but I found that just incredible. Nurses deal with so many patients, yet they cared about my mother enough to go to her funeral. Back to mom, she looked ghastly. She probably weighed 80 pounds. She was 5'7". Tubes shoved down her throat, catheter bag hanging down, diaper on, I can't even explain how awful this was.

Okay, I'm in the library and feel like I'm going to start bawling, so I'll finish this later. I need a pick-me-up. I need my daughter.

Aww, it just keeps getting better

**NOTICE** This was written 2 Fridays ago. I seriously have not had a moment to spare to upload it. To top it off, I have even more drama to write about. Hint? I got fucking bitch slapped this weekend, including a puffy lip and swollen cheek.


Hey, it’s Friday night and I feel like having a par-tay!! A pity party, anyway. This past year has been one of the worst years of my life. Almost 1 year to the day that I kicked the asshole out. Where to start, where to start. Let’s start with last Thursday. I was at work, mourning that I only had 1 more day of work left at my job. I LOVED my job. I worked with some great people, and loved being able to help students. Doesn’t deter from this fact that most of the people in my department were male, as it was engineering. That was a definite bonus. So I was sad. I’ve decided to go back to school full time, as the quicker I finish school the quicker I can get a job and move us the hell out of here. Anyhoo, so I’m at work, and the POS calls. Yeah, he’s upgraded from Asshole to Piece of Shit. And I’m being generous. He has to tell me something. That something? He’s moving to New Fucking Orleans with his stupid fucking girlfriend. The one that he “broke up” with when she moved. And the kicker? He’s leaving a week from Friday. The day before this huge rafting trip I’ve been planning for MONTHS to go on. I convinced him to stay until I got back so he could watch her (skipping ahead, he called the NEXT day to tell me he had to leave Friday. Why? He had to get to NO so he could FEED HER FUCKING CATS. He is choosing not only this twat over his daughter, he is choosing her fUCKING CATS OVER HIS DAUGHTER. WHAT THE FUCKING PIECE OF HELL KIND OF STUPID SHIT IS THAT???? WHO DOES THAT? ). The whole thing is weird. He told me (I don’t know WHY I continue to believe ANYTHING he says, as he’s lied for almost all of our married life) that he didn’t love her, it wasn’t serious, and it was over when she moved. But now she’s asking him to go live with her. She’s not even going to school there. The only reason she’s even there is for an “adventure.” She’s always lived in this same town, she’s watched all her sisters go off and do stuff, and she feels likes she needs to do something. So she chose NO. She’s been there for 2 weeks and hates it. Well, go get a job! Go meet some people!! But no, POS has to go to make her happy. He is choosing this girl over his daughter. He’s in such denial that he doesn’t see it this way. He says that they’re coming back in January to go back to school, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I hate him I hate him I hate him. I really want to talk to this girl and tell her the 411, as I’m sure he hasn’t told her, or at least his condensed version of everything. How she’s just a pattern. That his first wife left him for the same reason I did, the alcohol (which I wish someone had warned ME of when I met him), he was severely depressed, and he latched on to me. I fell for it, and tried to take care of him. I’ve always been with guys who need to be taken care of. I’m a sucker. I don’t want that. When we deteriorated because he’s a stupid fuck, what’d he do? He got really depressed and suckered another innocent girl to take care of him. I guarantee this girl thinks she can fix him. She probably thinks he’s fun to party with (like I did), but if she ever decides to settle down and get serious, she’s going to do the exact same and leave his ass. So I want to warn her, but at the same time, she is really really good with girlie. Do I want to scare her away and have fuckhead find another girl who is NOT good to girlie? Anyway, he has an appointment with his lawyer next week to FINALLY get the damn papers signed. He mentioned something about him taking girlie to NO a few times. Over my rotting , wormy, corpse. He is getting NOTHING. As soon as these papers are signed, I’m going to try to change what I can. He will no longer have partial custody. He will have no rights. He’s fucked everything up so much, ie our lives, that he needs to be fucked too. So this leaves me with no babysitter for my trip. I called my dad sobbing, and he said I could take her to his house, as it was on his way. Which was a lot coming from him. Don’t get me wrong, my dad is amazing. More supportive through this whole ordeal more than I ever thought he’d be. He’s been my rock, and his example is where I have learned my determination to get on with my life. BUT, he is so accustomed to his old man ways that he doesn’t like to watch the grandkids that much, or at least for that long of a time. He adores his grandkids, but he’s such a weird old man. He’s so used to being alone since my mom died 4 years ago, he’s just really gotten used to being alone. He doesn’t devour girlie and the other kids like girlie’s other grandparents do. Her grandma and grandpa will do ANYTHING for her. When we were there last time, I slept in everyday, went out all the time by myself, basically didn’t have to do any of the hard work. That was a nice break. But my dad? No. He doesn’t automatically do that. He is also so emotionless. It’s hard to tell what he’s really thinking. My sis-in-law hates it because if she asks him to come over for dinner he’s always like, “I guess.” Never seems excited about it. I just have to remind her that he doesn’t get excited about ANYTHING. ☺ Just real blasé about that kind of thing, and she always get worried that he doesn’t want to go over there, doesn’t want to babysit…I’ve just known him long enough to know that’s not the case, he just doesn’t express his emotions. She should know that by now, she’s married to his son. Anyway, rambling, he’s just not the kind of guy who would jump at the chance of having his 2 year old wild granddaughter to himself for 3 days. Fuckhead’s mom called and said she’d come out and stay so I could go, but first of all, she doesn’t need to fly from Utah so that I can go on a 3 day rafting trip. It’s just not that important. Secondly, she really needs to stop taking responsibility for her dumbass son’s dumbass decisions.